We have to do WHAT?
by lazyllama-xx
Summary: As punishment for a mud brawl which he gets dragged in, Yamamoto condemns each squad's captain and vice-captain to become proud parents to a bag of flour for a week.
1. The Game

**_Yo! Your favourite Llama is here again with nother fanfiction. ;)_**

**_This is mainly humour-based, maybe with some implied romance. i hope you all like it, please leave a review if so!_****_ Sorry for the gay title, but for those of you who have read mi utha fics, you know how bad i am at titling :S_**

**_chapter 1!!!_**

* * *

'Matsumoto!'

'Taichou, relax! I'll be back before you know it!'

Hitsugaya Toushirou was left glaring after his fukutaichou as she scrambled out of the room. He stared after her for a minute before collapsing back in his chair, rubbing his aching temples.

_One of these days…_he thought darkly. _I will freeze her to her chair and _make_ her do paperwork._

He eyed a piece of paper lying on the corner of his desk announcing the football match that was between the squads' taichous and fukutaichous to raise morale and a sense of teamwork.. It was to be held in a few hours time, and he really didn't want to go, but it was compulsory.

He sighed and pushed away from his desk, stretching and taking deep breaths.

* * *

Abarai Renji barely breathed as he slid past the office door quietly, clutching his late paperwork tightly. His taichou was in his chair, eyes closed, quill in hand.

He eyed the large clock on the wall above him, long black hands telling him it was half past nine. He was fifteen minutes late.

Renji smirked slightly, smug that he managed to sneak in without being cau-

'Abarai, you're late' Renji jerked and sighed, looking over at his captain. He hadn't moved. He grinned sheepishly and quietly dropped the thin pile of papers on the desk, moving off.

'You know, spikes are out of style' Renji froze at the sound of his monotone taichou's voice. Did he just…criticize his _hair?_

* * *

'Ah! I have another one!'

'Please…no more, Ichimaru taichou'

'What's da difference between UFO's and smart blondes?'

'What?'

'UFO's have been sighted'

'Oh ha-ha...'

'See! I knew ya'd like it! Ok, I have anutha' one for ya'

'Taich-!'

'What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?'

'I don't kn-!'

'Artificial intelligence'

Kira slapped a hand to his head, wincing a second later. He looked wistfully at an ever grinning Ichimaru Gin, who was whistling merrily in between jokes at his blonde fukutaichou's expense. They were walking past the divisions, making their way over to the grassy pitch they were playing "Football", a Real Worldy game Ichimaru was eager to play, as it apparently involved tackling people to the ground.

'Lessee…Ah!' Ichimaru clapped his hands, Kira groaning beside him. 'Why did the blonde stare at a carton of orange juice for two hours?'

'Ichimaru taichou ,plea-!'

'Because it said concentrate!' Ichimaru chortled at his own wit, grin widening at the sight of his fukutaichou's depressed face. Ah, others' frustration was highly enjoyable.

As his captain continued with the blonde jokes, ignoring Kira's protests, the 3rd squad fukutaichou fingered the hilt of Wabisuke wistfully, looking up at the dozens of already heavy objects above his captain's head.

* * *

Soifon crouched down on the thin green grass, eyes slitted as she judged the terrain on which they were about to play. She turned to her team, who were stretching and chatting to each other in their red and black uniforms. She whistled loudly to get their attention.

Alright, we have a bit of an advantage here', she announced. 'The ground slopes downhill towards them, so they'll have some trouble getting up. The grass is easy to slip on, so be careful' her team nodded.

They all looked as raucous laughter reached them from the opposite side of the pitch. Soifon's eyes narrowed.

Her team consisted of Abarai Renji, Hinamori Momo, Kurotsuchi Nemu, Kira Izuru, Iba Tetsuzaemon, Kusajishi Yachiru, Unohana Retsu, Hitsugaya Toushirou, Kotetsu Kiyone, Tousen Kaname, Kyouraku Shunsui, and herself. The teams were split evenly, six captains and six vice-captains on each side.

Ukitake couldn't play due to his sickness, so he sent Sentarou and Kiyone in his place. He and Yamamoto were watching on the sidelines like the other hundreds of shinigami attending the rare event, refereeing.

Nanao's team was striding towards them confidently. The two teams faced each other silently. Nanao and Soifon smirked.

To reduce the risk of cheating, they all had reiatsu blocks and their zanpakutous were kept safely with Yamamoto-soutaichou.

A gold football was thrown to Soifon, where she tossed it up and down with an excited grin. She turned to Hitsugaya, where the small juu-bantai taichou was standing with crossed arms; his scowl clearly showing how much he'd rather be anywhere but here.

'You're good at this kind of stuff?' Soifon said it like a statement. Hitsugaya shrugged nonchalantly. 'I'll take that as a yes. You'll be our best offensive weapon, so try to finish this quickly and painfully' another shrug. Ukitake blew the whistle.

At one the teams rushed forward with yelling and screaming. Several pairs of eyes followed the golden ball as it was passed through Soifon's team. The ball flopped out onto no-man's land.

Cheers erupted from the crowd as the two teams tore after it, pushing and shoving and taunting.

Hinamori shrieked as Zaraki flew past her, cackling madly, the ball in his hands. Iba, Soifon and Kyouraku tore after him.

There was a flash of red and Zaraki stopped, Hinamori rebounding off him as she tried running past. Renji grinned and dodged the intercepting hands clutching at him.

He saw his captain up ahead, standing motionless, and looking strangely out of place in his team's blue and black uniform.

'Come on, taichou!' Renji yelled a few metres away from him. 'Get into the ga-oof!' arms flailing, he fell head over heels, the ball flying out of his hands.

He landed flat on his back, staring up breathlessly. There were silent footsteps, and Kuchiki Byakuya appeared in his vision, face monotone with a tiny smirk.

'You should watch where you're going, Abarai' he said, walking off. Renji scowled.

'He tripped me!'

* * *

Yachiru stood panting, hands on knees and scowling at Soifon. 'It's been hoooooouuurs!' he whined. 'Can we at least have a candy break?!'

Soifon shook her head, wiping sweat from her brow. 'Candy makes you fat. We're not leaving till they're all in the mud', she growled, glaring over at the equally tired Nanao's team. Some of them were pretty good for never playing Real World games. 'And besides, we're tie 15-15. One more goal and we win!'

With groaning and cheering, they braced themselves yet again.

With a loud shout, Sentarou charged, the ball clutched tightly against his chest. Three of Soifon's team ran to him, hand held out in front of him, deflecting three of Soifon's team.

There was a flash of white, and Hitsugaya suddenly appeared in front of him. He leapt through the small hole between Sentarou's arm and waist, grabbing the ball. His forward roll lessened the impact, and he got up smoothly, running swiftly through the mass of shinigami, frown etched on his face.

Once he was at the goal, he paused, preparing to kick it. Omaeda tensed and crouched. He nearly took up the whole goal. There was a shriek and his yelp was lost under a large amount of cleavage as his fukutaichou tackled him, sending them both sprawling on the ground.

While Hitsugaya flailed helplessly, Matsumoto turned to her teammates, who were staring at her dumfounded.

'Well, don't just stand there!' she snapped. 'Get the damn ball!' Hisagi grinned and skipped over to the ball, Hitsugaya's team running forward to intercept him.

He threw the ball to Ichimaru, who grinned and made a beeline for Kira, who stood confused, hands out meekly. He saw his captain and his eyes widened.

'Oi, Izuru-kun!' Gin shouted. 'What do beer bottles and blondes have in common?'

'Ichimaru taichou, please stop it!'

'They're both empty from the neck up!' Gin finished gleefully. The crowd and some of the players on the field laughed. Kira buried his face in his hands as his taichou rushed past him.

With a wild cry, Kiyone leapt at Gin, wrapping her arms around his ankles. Gin yelped and dropped like a falling tree. The ball flew out of his hands and into Aizen's. He looked at the ball critically then threw it to Nanao. She caught it expertly, gasping as she was tackled by Nemu. The ball flew out of her hands and into Isane's.

The violet-haired woman gave a triumphant yell as she kicked the ball with all her strength at the enemy's goalpost.

Komamura waved a massive paw at the ball's direction. The golden piece of rubber bounced off. Isane's face fell.

With a small grunt, Tousen met the ball in mid-air, clutching it tightly and falling with a dull _thunk_ on the grass below.

He immediately started running again, passing the ball to other members of his team. Kurotsuchi Mayuri, who hadn't moved the whole time, grinned as Renji neared the goalpost, laughing gleefully.

He withdrew something from his robes as Omaeda scrambled to his feet. He pushed the button. The ground beneath Renji opened up into a Renji-shaped hole.

With a horrified yell, he fell into the vast darkness, the ball spinning up in the air, into Mayuri's hand. Everyone stared at him dumbstruck. His grin widened.

'I have gotten the hang of this "game", s you call it, yes?' he asked innocently. After a moment of shocked silence, Soifon roared angrily and broke the rules by shunpoeing, appearing in front of Mayuri. She snatched the ball out of his hands and gave him a hard shove that sent him stumbling back.

'What on Seireitei was that for?' he asked, outraged. Soifon's swearing was lost under the continuous, strained sound of Ukitake's whistle.

Everyone gathered around him, Soifon shooting Mayuri a death glare. Byakuya walked by the hole in which Renji disappeared, paused slightly, before bending down.

'A few broken bones won't get you out of the paperwork this afternoon, Abarai', and he walked off, Renji's distant groan fading.

Yamamoto was standing next to Ukitake, scowling and clutching his ever present staff.

'Kurotsuchi!', he boomed. 'What you did was against the rules!'

Mayuri recoiled. 'The rules had no objection against chasms opening up on the ground and eating the enemy!'

'When you say "eating", you don't actually mean-?' Ukitake's sentence was cut off by Yamamoto.

'It should be obvious!' he growled. 'No form of cheating allowed!'

'Maybe we should go see if he's alright', Hinamori suggested anxiously, craning her head to see the Renji-hole.

Mayuri waved his hand. 'What I put in there has already eaten. The worst they'll do is tear off an arm or two' Everyone's mouths dropped open, apart from Byakuya. He gave an almost inaudible sigh.

'If it tears off his limbs, he will be unable to do his punishment work this afternoon', he said in his usual monotone. 'I will go get him' as he spoke there was a high-pitched scream. Byakuya gave another inaudible sigh and collected Senbonzakura, walking over to the direction of the hole.

Mayuri clapped his white hands together. 'Shall we continue?'

'No, we won't frigging continue!' Soifon shouted. 'You incapacitated one of my players, you clown!'

Mayuri bristled. 'I am not a clown!'

'Try survive a day without your makeup and that may change' Soifon retorted. Mayuri growled and stalked forwards to Soifon. She grinned.

'Bring it on, Clown-man'

* * *

**_aah, i've always wanted to call Mayuri a clown ^^ So? How was it? Good? bad? Frigging awesome?_**

**_Hit the review button below to tell me if its worth continuing :)_**


	2. The Brawl

**_yo!, i hope this story works...im posting the first two or three chaps up for now, then im gonna settle into a casual updating date thingy._**

**_enjoy! ^^_**

* * *

Zaraki grinned. 'If anyone starts a fight, it's gonna be me!', and he punched the person nearest to him, Omaeda, full in the face.

The large fukutaichou of 2nd squad staggered back, slamming into Isane and Gin. Gin frowned.

'Watch where ya goin', fatty', he stuck out his foot. Omaeda tripped over it, arms flailing. He smacked Aizen and Iba in the face before falling over onto Hinamori. Hisagi rushed over, tugging on her arm, the only visible part of her body.

'Get off her, you fat mole!', Hisagi yelled. 'You're crushing her!'

'Eh?' Omaeda boomed, rolling off a gasping Hinamori. 'Who're ya calling fat, sex freak?!' he shoved Hisagi back onto Hitsugaya, Matsumoto and Yachiru. Yachiru screeched and became a pink blur as she leapt at Kira, wrapping her arms around his face in a koala grip.

Hitsugaya fell forward onto Tousen and Komamura. Komamura growled and lifted Hitsugaya up with a paw, ignoring the small captain's indignant flailing.

'Why'd you hit me?' Komamura demanded, shaking Hitsugaya. 'You should pick on people your own size'

'If there are any', Gin supplied with a grin. Hitsugaya hissed at him and kicked out, clipping Gin in the chin. He fell back onto Kyouraku, Nanao and Nemu.

It all went _very _downhill after that.

Within a few minutes, the once proud Gotei 13 taichous and fukutaichous were rolling around in the muddy grass, biting, clawing, scratching, gouging, kicking and punching. Others from the crowd had joined too, so what was once a friendly soccer match was now a fighting arena filled with over a hundred fighting shinigami, the rest watching it with hilarity.

They ignored Yamamoto, who stood next to Ukitake, Byakuya, a whole but traumatized Renji, and a sighing Unohana. He was screaming for order, but the enraged captains were beyond listening.

He stopped abruptly as he felt a tugging in his beard. He looked down and saw someone's pulling on it. Choujirou reached out to pull him back, but too late.

Soifon, who was busy shaking Mayuri by the collar, his head banging repeatedly onto the ground, looked over as she heard Yamamoto's speech end with a small yelp. She did a double take when she realized he wasn't there.

Slowly, she turned around, and sure enough, she saw a flash of long white beard trailing through the shinigami pile, and a withered old arm pointing straight up in the air, clutching a staff. Her eyed bugged out in disbelief.

'Shit!', she yelled. 'Everyone! Stop! _Stop! Yamamoto is in here!'_

Kyouraku was hugging Nanao to him tightly so she didn't get attacked and turned when he heard Soifon's voice. He looked beneath him reached down, pulling Yamamoto up by the beard.

'Yama-jii!' he exclaimed. 'What are you doing here?'

* * *

Hitsugaya winced as he shifted in his chair, automatically clutching his burnt shoulder. Now he knew to never, _ever_ provoke Yamamoto-soutaichou.

He didn't even _want_ to be part of the fight. He was just minding his own business when that idiot bumped into him, resulting in him getting hoisted up by Komamura and getting blamed. Then he used all his survival skills to get out of the brawl.

Sometimes, being sma-vertically challenged has its advantages. He'd never run away from a battle, but that was a situation for desperate measures. He'd managed to jump/crawl out of the way, laying waste to anyone in his path. After, he'd stood with Kuchiki, Unohana, Renji, Ukitake and Choujirou. They all panicked as they saw Yamamoto get sucked into the mess like a star gets sucked up by a black hole.

'Matsumoto, where are you going?' Hitsugaya asked curtly as his fukutaichou opened the door.

'Well, taichou', she said with an exaggerated sigh. 'I don't think I can do all this paperwork after that massive fight!' she winced clutching her back.

Hitsugaya's eye twitched. 'Really? It looked to me like you were having fun'

'Who, me?'

'Yes, you.' Hitsugaya replied angrily. 'You bashed everyone in your way, even hit Hinamori'

'That was an accident!'

'You were laughing at her nosebleed'

'Well, the point is, I'm too tired and sore to do paperwork, taichou'

'Matsumoto! Get back here!'

'Taichou, relax!' Matsumoto said airily, waving a hand. 'I'll be back before you know it!'

Another eye twitch. The same line _every single frigging time._

Ok, so he snapped. It could happen to anyone right?

At least she could do the paperwork now. She _would _do it.

She didn't have any other option at the moment.

* * *

'Taichou…it's really late…can I go now?' Renji asked, already knowing the answer.

'Not till you finished', Byakuya replied in a monotone, not taking his eyes off his papers.

Renji sighed and shifted a heavy bunch of work from 11th squad onto the corner of his desk. They worked in silence for a while until Byakuya spoke.

'You need to change your hairstyle, Abarai' Renji froze, turning slowly to face his captain. 'Apart from being out of style, I find it very irritating whenever I walk by you and your hair pokes me in the face'

Change his _hair?_ What?

He had been forced into some stupid real World game, fell down a deep, pitch black hole, and almost eaten by some weird creature from Mayuri. He was scarred for life, his arms ached and had numerous puncture marks, he was damn tired, and his captain had the nerve to comment on his _hair?_

He eyed Byakuya's hair critically. It was straight, black and perfect, always in style, the silver clips glinting in the light. _He_ probably didn't spend a whole hour every morning trying to shove his rebellious hair into a tiny black rubber band. _He _didn't spend a total of two hours every day using industrial strength hair gel to keep the mess in place. _He _didn't get so many split ends and horrible kinks.

Unaware of what he was doing, Renji stood up quietly, unsheathing Zabimaru slowly. His captain was looking down, ruffling through some drawers in his desk.

Perfect hair? Not for long.

* * *

'How do out get a blonde out of a tree?'

'Stop it!'

'Wave!'

'You've already said that one'

'Really?' Gin frowned, then brightened up immediately. 'I have another one!'

Kira groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead, aggravating his already throbbing head.

'Why was the blonde's bellybutton sore?'

Kira frowned. What kind of question was that?

'Because her boyfriend was blonde too!' Gin burst out laughing as Kira blushed bright red.

Why did he have to be blonde, of all damn hair colours, and in Ichimaru Gin's squad? Surely Yamamoto realized the suicide, complete and utter suicide, it was to place Kira in the permanently grinning, joking 3rd squad taichou?

They worked in silence for the next few minutes, Kira listening to his captain's seemingly endless blonde jokes in a daze.

_If he says one more joke, _Kira thought darkly. _I will use Wabisuke on him._ He eyed his zanpakutou wistfully, hand enclosing around the hilt. The sword seemed to glow, as if agreeing with him.

**I agree with you. **The gruff, aged voice of Wabisuke filled Kira's head. He jerked. His zanpakutou rarely spoke to him.

_Wabisuke?_, he asked tentatively.

**Yes, you dolt.** **You and I are both miserable enough, and this purple-hired joker is getting on my aged nerves.**

_I'm not going to attack him!_

**You're still thinking about it. Come on, silence him once and for all!**

_The consequences will be awful!_

**Bah! You young fool! I'll do it myself!**

_What? Wait, no!_

'So how to ya like 'em, Kira-kun?' Gin turned, smile faltering at the sight of his fukutaichou. He was hunched as if old, had heavy bags under his small green eyes, and was smiling slowly and evilly.

'Geez, Kira-kun, you look like crap', Ichimaru stated with a grin. 'Aren't blondes meant to be attractive?'

Wabisuke/Kira smile widened. He lifted his zanpakutou.

* * *

'I have called you here, frankly, because I am sick of the immaturity and lack of co-operation between you so called higher ups' Yamamoto announced angrily. The assembled captains and

Choujirou handed him a thick scroll. Yamamoto unrolled it. The paper bounced off him and rolled down his throne, into the aisle between the twenty six assembled shinigami, finally bumping to a stop at the door. On the other side of the hall.

'This is a list of complaints from all of you to each other', Yamamoto said dryly. 'In the past _month'_

Renji wolf-whistled. He thought he'd be the only one to actually file a complaint…

"Complaint #1: "I am seriously sick of Kurotsuchi. He is a freak show, and I seem to be the only person sane enough to see that. It is my humble advice that we kick him out of the Gotei 13 for good and lock him up in a mental institution"'

Mayuri narrowed his eyes, glaring at Nemu, who shrugged. 'It wasn't from me'

Soifon chuckled, eyeing Mayuri with a grin.

'Complaint #2: "Ok, I will try make this quick in case my taichou comes back. HELP! I am currently frozen to my chair. I had a hard day, and was going to meet some friends for sake, when he suddenly went spastic at me and froze me to my chair with his reiatsu. He later smirked and left the office. I fear he may have taken leave of his senses. But my body has gone numb, and my hand hurts. Please help!"

Hitsugaya choked on nothing in particular, glaring at his sheepish fukutaichou whilst Zaraki clapped him on the back.

'Complaint #3: "I would like to file a complaint against my fukutaichou. He has no sense of humour. Due to this, I know have a third eye on my head."

'That wasn't me!' Kira shouted indignantly as his taichou grinned. 'I was possessed!'

'Complaint #4: "This is a complaint about my taichou. I am sick of her abuse. Like yesterday, she called me "Fat ass" and flushed my food stock down the toilet. She regularly abuses me like this, and I find it really damaging to my self esteem"

'Why you fat son of a-!'

'Soifon-taichou!' Yamamoto shouted. 'Control yourself. All of you!' by now there was muttering and chuckling throughout the shinigami assembled.

'Complaint #5: I am complaining about my fukutaichou. Due to some strange reason, he went into an ape-like rage, using his zanpakutou against me. Because of this, I now have hideous, jagged hair, so to say. I must consult with Kurotsuchi…"

Renji looked over at his captain, horrified. Yep. There it was. The Kuchiki Glare of a Thousand Painful Deaths. Renji looked away quickly, panicking.

Yamamoto put down the scroll, scowling heavily. 'So this is what you've come too? Using zanpakutous for revenge? Freezing fukutaichous to chairs? Insulting each other in an immature fashion?' Yamamoto's voice rose to a shout.

'I hoped, I would never have to do this, but you leave me no choice', Yamamoto announced. He swayed to his feet, swinging his staff through the air. The twenty six shinigami quickly stifled yells of shock and staggered away from him.

The staff smashed a glass case next to his throne which read "_use in case of emergency"_ .After a few seconds of silence, there was a whirring sound, and several blue and pink objects flew out of the case and into the startled arms of the shinigami in front of it.

Hitsugaya lifted the object he caught up in the air, frowning in confusion. His eyes widened. Matsumoto giggled and poked it.

'What the hell?' Hisagi shouted.

Sacks of flour. With bright, yellow smiley faces on them. They were brightly coloured blue and pink.

'This is our punishment?' Zaraki asked skeptically. A strange glint alighted in Yamamoto's scarred eyes.

'No, Zaraki-taichou' his voice was strangely smug. 'Those are your children for the next week. Starting from today, you and your fukutaichous are parents'

* * *

**_well, ther uhave it. chapter two. Please review!!! it'll make me happy and motivated to write!_**


	3. The Punishment

**_yo, _**

**_I know the characters are a bit OOC, but its hard to keep them in character in fic such as this XD sorry if this chap is a bit short, but the next chapter is Day One of the one week trial thingy. i'll be putting in a few captains at a time. Hopefully this works..._**

* * *

There was silence, then Hitsugaya scoffed.

'If you think I am having children with my fukutaichou, forget it'

Matsumoto gave him a big, grinning hug, ignoring his hissing. 'I don't mind having children with you taaaaichou!'

Hitsugaya's face turned similar to a Christmas tree, changing from green to red. 'M-Matsumoto! Get off me!'

'Of course', her face turned thoughtful. 'They'd probably be frowning from the day they were born and would have unnaturally spiky white hair. My hair's prettier!'

'Any child of yours would probably end up like you', Hitsugaya shot back. 'Whatever brain cells that survives will be destroyed by sake'

Matsumoto pouted. 'Your kids will probably end up mean, grumpy midgets like you!'

'_MATSUMOTO!'_

'Okay, okay, keep your unnaturally spiky white hair on', Matsumoto rolled her eyes and stepped away from him, smirking at his still flustered face. Soifon was green.

'I am not having children with that fat, lazy ass Omaeda!' she shouted. 'I'd rather die!'

Renji and Isane looked at each other, then over at their captains, going pale. Renji's eyes rolled back to his head and he collapsed.

Komamura was edging away from Iba, who was doing the same. Sentarou and Kiyone were exclaiming over Ukitake, who was on the floor with a coughing fit.

Mayuri was frowning. 'I will not have offspring with something like Nemu'

Hinamori was the only one that didn't seem to mind. In fact, she was smirking slightly. Aizen was next to her, mumbling something under his breath and eyeing her nervously.

'I still don't get what the bags of flour are for', Kyouraku said, eyeing Nanao suggestively. She shifted her glasses and turned away from him.

Yamamoto cleared his throat, ending all muttering. 'Are you all really that dim-witted? The sacks of flour _are_ your children!'

There was silence, then Kyouraku spoke. 'Yama-jii, did you happen to find that bag of… herbs under my bed?'

Yamamoto's face hardened. 'You and your fukutaichous are to take care of this sack of flour for one week. It reacts like a normal baby, and can crawl. With the lack of teamwork between you, it'll take the two of you to keep the baby happy' he finished in a grumble.

'At the end of the week, a meeting will be called. You will present your babies to me, and the winner is the team with the healthiest, least damaged one'

More silence followed his words. Soifon broke it this time. 'What's the prize?'

'There's no particular prize, but the winner gets out of the real punishment'

'Which is?'

'Recruitment missions' there were several groans.

'Well', Yamamoto announced. 'I guess that's it. You can all go now. This officially starts tomorrow, so I suggest you start arranging sleeping plans'

'Sleeping plans?' Hisagi asked, gulping visibly and eyeing his taichou nervously. Yamamoto nodded.

'You will need to share a house at the very most. Raising a child requires the tender, loving care of both pare-!'

'Okay, screw this I'm out of here', Matsumoto dumped the bag of flour onto her startled taichou and stormed out the door. Others did the same. Yamamoto stared after them in shock.

He looked around at the now empty hall then at his fukutaichou. 'What did I say?'

* * *

Kira paced around his office, panicking. No way was Ichimaru Gin going to even _look_ at his house. He looked over at his taichou, who was leaning back on his chair, feet up on the desk.

'Taichou?' Kira asked weakly. 'How is this going to work?'

Gin shrugged. 'Maybe it won't' he grinned. Kira frowned. Then there was a sound that made both the smile and the frown vanish into disbelief and shock.

Someone farted.

Gin eyed his fukutaichou suspiciously. 'Was that you?'

Kira shook his head frantically. 'I thought it was you. If so, I won't tell anyone'

Gin snorted, grin reappearing, wider than before. 'I never knew you could do something so offensive, Kira!'

'I said it wasn't me!' Kira snapped.

'Then who was it?' Gin frowned. Both of them looked at the motionless, smiling sack of flour. They leaned in slowly, eyeing it suspiciously.

Another fart. Both of them yelped and recoiled, clutching their noses. Gin fell off the back of his chair with a grunt.

'What _is _that?' Kira yelped, eyeing the "Baby" apprehensively.

'Whatever it is it had tacos for lunch'

* * *

'No! Absolutely not!'

'Taichou, come on! It's just for a week! And it's not like we have much option either! You heard the old fart!'

Hitsugaya sighed. 'Why are you so desperate?'

Matsumoto grinned sheepishly. 'I don't wanna take care of it myself'

Hitsugaya snorted. 'So your plan is to dump the baby on me and go out to drink?'

'See! We're already arguing like an old married couple! This'll work perfectly!'

'Absolutely not!'

There was a high, ringing wail. Hitsugaya jumped and Matsumoto shrieked.

* * *

'Nanaoooo-chaaaaan!'

'Taichou, we can do this separately. See? I've already made a table of visiting and caring times for the…baby'

Kyouraku pouted. 'You play so hard to get, Nanao-chan', he said sadly. Nanao sighed.

* * *

'Ukitake-taichou! Are you alright?'

Ukitake winced at the loud voice of his 3rd seats, before coughing again, clutching his chest and grimacing.

'Where's the sack of flour?' he rasped. 'It needs a name'

Sentarou and Kiyone were back in a second, hissing at each other at who gets to hold the _baby_.

'What should we call it?' Kiyone asked quietly. A name tag was poking out of the blue-coloured sack.

'How abut Sentarou junior?'

'That's a horrible name!'

'You're a horrible name!'

'What? That makes no sense!'

'You make no sense!'

'Ukitake taichou!!!' the both screamed. Ukitake sighed, then smirked slightly. Sometimes having a lethal disease came in handy.

* * *

'Ken-chan, should we be doing something?'

Zaraki remained motionless, lying back in his seat with his arms behind his head. Je opened a scarred eye and looked over at the sack of flour lying in the corner.

'Che, I can't be bothered moving', he replied with a yawn. 'I can't believe the old fart gave us sacks of flour. We work together just fine'

Yachiru pouted. 'You confiscated my lollies last week!'

'Your dentist bills are unbelievable'. Zaraki growled. 'Just cut down on the lollies a bit and you'll get 'em back'

Yachiru huffed angrily, crossing her arms. 'Shiro-kun _always_ gives me lollies'

'I told Ukitake to stop it' Zaraki ignored his small fukutaichou's angry yelp. He didn't move when she landed on his chest, pounding on it with her small fists.

'Ken-chaaaan!' she cried. 'I need lollies! I can't survive without them!'

Zaraki sighed. 'I don't really wanna go on stupid recruitment missions, and according to the manual, that sack of flour can easily get influenced. The last thing I want is _two_ sugar-crazed things running around'

* * *

'Soutaichou…is this…really a good idea?' Sasakibe Choujirou asked anxiously. Yamamoto's face twisted in what appeared to be a tiny smirk.

'This has always been one of my worst fears', Yamamoto said. 'To have to resort to this is just pathetic. There is a serious lack of morale and cooperation in the Gotei 13, and it's disgraceful'

Sasakibe sighed. 'Are you sure you just don't want revenge for getting pulled into the mud brawl?'

Another insignificant smirk. 'Maybe'

* * *

**_out of everyone so far, Gin has to be mi favourite XD apart form the creepy paedophile look, he's realy cute!_**

**_if u have any suggestions, tell me in a review and i'll try putting it in! XD You'll get credit for it, dun worry ;)_**


	4. The Complications

**_looooool i like this chater ^^I know i havent put everone in, but its gonna be different people each chap XD_**

**_btw, for those reading my other stories, sorry for tha late updates, but school is being a bitch still, and i don't have much time to write. _**

**_i think i'll be updating Moon's Fang today though ^^ also, credit for the byakuya Renji hairstyle fight thingy goes to Flystar...dun worrry, the arguement sure as hell aint over yet ;)_**

**_enjoy!_**

* * *

'It's ya turn to feed it'

'I did it forty-five seconds ago…it's your turn'

'Damn tha' old fart to Hueco Mundo'

Still grumbling, Gin slouched over to the sack of flour and picked it up, pulling a face. It's crying had given him a headache, and he was light-headed from the never ending fumes it produced.

'I told you not to feed it burritos', Kira said quietly, yawning. He was no longer possessed by Wabisuke, but he now had the appearances of the old man.

And it had only been a few hours, yet the 3rd squad taichou and fukutaichou were exhausted. The "Baby" required around the clock attention, which was more than the two shinigami were capable of.

'Okay, screw this', Gin snapped after yet another pungent fume was released from the smiling pink sack of flour. It fell with a dull thud on the floor, emitting a splitting sound.

Gin looked over at Kira guiltily. 'It's supposed ta do that…right?'

* * *

'Nemu, are you done yet?'

'I am currently working on reinforcing the thickness of it, Mayuri-sama. I will then improve the built in weapons, including an acid gun, and motion detecting lasers. I have also opened up the baby, and I changed its functions so it will not require much attention or sustainment'

'Excellent. I bet those other losers haven't thought of that'

* * *

'I still think we should call it Ran-chan!'

'It's a _boy_, Matsumoto! I think we should go with Shirou'

'Aww of course _you_ want to name it after yourself'

'I don't know what you're talking about. It's the first name that popped into my head'

'Suuuuuuuure!'

'Okay, Shirou it is then, now how do we stop the crying?'

Matsumoto pouted before rolling her eyes. 'Well, Mr. I-Love-Myself, let's see that prodigious little brain of yours figure it out'

'Matsumoto!'

'Okay, okay, um let's see…is _Shirou_ hungry?'

'How would I know? You check!'

Another eye roll. 'Do I look like a mother to you, taichou?'

'You're certainly _capable'_

'What was that?'

'Nothing, nothing', Hitsugaya moved swiftly over to the smiling blue sack of flour, eyeing the crying thing critically. 'What do you want?'

Hitsugaya blinked rapidly as the wailing decreased in volume. Hesitantly, he swung it again. It giggled. He shuddered. 'This is beyond weird'

Matsumoto smiled brightly. 'Give Shirou to me, I think my maternal instincts are kicking in'

Hitsugaya held the sack of flour close for a moment before hesitantly releasing it to his reaching fukutaichou. As soon as it left his arms it started bawling again.

Matsumoto started shushing it, but the wailing increased. Hitsugaya smirked.

'I guess Shirou likes my prodigious little brain more than you' Matsumoto scowled before huffing.

'Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable being so high off the ground'

'Are you calling me short?'

'Who, me?'

The crying continued. Matsumoto winced, gingerly placing a hand over her ear. 'We should have called him Grumpy pants, _still_ after you'

'Matsumoto!'

* * *

'That is utterly unacceptable'

'But taichou, we need to do something about it. It's really annoying me!'

Byakuya and Renji looked over at the pink flour sack, which had a tuft of black hair sticking out the top. Yamamoto really took this too far…

'Since its hair colour is the same as mine, I suggest we style it after myself'

'That's not fair!'

'Moving on, we need a name'

At this, Renji smirked. 'I have the perfect one. _Ichigo_. It's pink, a girl, whines a lot and even has the same frown as the real Ichigo'

Byakuya remained motionless for a moment before answering. 'Good work, Renji'

* * *

Soifon paced around her office, rubbing her temples and muttering. Every now and then she shot a glare at the pink sack of flour lying innocently on her desk. She turned to Omaeda.

'Ok, I've made a timetable for the chores we share', she announced. Omaeda looked at her lazily, eyes widening when she thrust a piece of paper under his nose. As he read it, his eyes narrowed.

'Why do I have to change the diaper?' he whined. 'I get all the crappy jobs!'

Soifon scowled. 'Bad joke, Omaeda' she looked down at the table. 'I'll handle the food an exercise routines, if it needs any, and if it cries at night, I'll make it silent again', she cracked her knuckles threateningly.

Omaeda frowned. 'And I get everything else? That's not very fair!'

Soifon moved away from him with a smirk. 'You wanna complain again, Omaeda? Go on, I dare you to' her hand clasped around the hilt of Suzumebachi.

Omaeda scowled. 'This is abuse of power! No wonder Yamamoto gave us these stupid sacks of shi-!'

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!' Soifon and Omaeda jumped at the loud wail coming from the baby. Its smiley face had turned into a grumpy frown, scowling at its new parents. The wailing increased as Omaeda dropped it in shock.

'Bakayaro!' Soifon shouted, swiftly picking it up and holding it at arms length. She eyed it in panic, wondering what to do. As much as this may surprise people, she wasn't very big on motherly stuff and maternal instincts. They were hidden very deep down, covered by a thick layer bloodlust and fighting instincts.

'What do we do?' Omaeda shouted on his feet in an instant and waving his arms at the speed of light, looking vaguely like a clown bird. Soifon hesitated.

'I suggest you feed it', Yamamoto Genryusai Shigekuni-soutaichou (**A/N Woah, that's the FIRST time I've ever used his first name o-O)** appeared in the open office window, observing the scene with disdain. 'The baby doesn't like loud voices!'

'I hope you take heed of my advice', Yamamoto announced. 'You'll need it' and with that, he disappeared.

'Why you old, ugly son of a-!'

'_WAAAAAAAAAAAA!_'

* * *

Sighing, Hisagi followed after his taichou, who was walking briskly, the baby, now called Kougi ("**Justice" in Japanese) **held in one arm.

'Hisagi!' Tousen barked. Hisagi looked over at him attentively. 'We need to protect Kougi. There may be sabotage attempts by the other squads'

Hisagi nodded firmly, clutching his two large bags tightly. He felt a familiar reiatsu and stiffened, panicking. He didn't want her to see him like this!

Sure enough, the juuban-taichou Hitsugaya Toushirou and his fukutaichou, Matsumoto Rangiku, came around the corner. Hisagi blinked, trying to rid his eyes of what he was sure must be a hallucination.

The small white-haired taichou was carrying two suitcases twice his size, whilst balancing the blue, smiling sack of flour on his head, where it sat giggling. Bits of pink and orange peeked out from the over stuffed suitcases. Matsumoto was skipping in front of him, chatting merrily to someone on her small grey phone.

Hitsugaya's eyes widened and his face turned bright red as he saw the approaching 9th squad members. Matsumoto waved over to Hisagi brightly.

'Shuuhei!' he called. 'What're you doing?'

Hisagi also felt embarrassed. This was so going to ruin his hard-earned bad boy aura…

'I'm…moving in with my taichou for the week', he finally mumbled. Matsumoto blinked rapidly for a moment before breaking into a wide grin. She waved at her taichou, who scowled back at her, stumbling slightly under the weight he was carrying.

'So am I!' she said brightly. 'My apartment is too small, so I'm moving in with my taichou. This is going to be so much fun!' she squealed, clapping her hands together. Hitsugaya muttered something under his breath behind her, which sounded like 'kill me now'.

Hisagi was relieved that he wasn't the only one having to do this. Tousen eyed (**Or not)** Hitsugaya critically. 'From what I hear, you're moving in with your fukutaichou, as well?'

Hitsugaya sighed. 'She insisted'

Tousen nodded. 'As have I', Hitsugaya's eyes widened. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but thought the better of it. 'I believe it is necessary, for what Yamamoto-soutaichou said is correct'

Hisagi shifted uncomfortably. 'So..erm…what's your…baby called?', he asked Matsumoto, jerking his head to the sack of flour on Hitsugaya's head. She grinned.

'Mr. Grumpy Pants, after my taichou!' she said brightly, ignoring the hissing piece of captain behind her. 'What's yours?'

'Kougi', Tousen answered immediately with a hint of pride. Matsumoto tried not to giggle.

'That's…nice'

'_GODDAMMIT_!'

The four Gotei 13 members jumped and turned to the direction of the curse.

There were two black-clad figures running with a type of speed you get when you think you're about to die, panting and yelling in panic. They sped past the 9 and 10th squad taichous and fukutaichous.

'Shit!' Hisagi's eyes widened. The three of them dove out of the way as Zaraki Kenpachi bolted past them, growling. 'I told you two NOT to feed Yachiru or that sack of shit SUGAR! YOU'RE _DEAD_!'

Hitsugaya moved slower due to the amount of weight he was carrying, and got knocked flat on his backside, Mr. Grump Pants flying up in the air along with Matsumoto's suitcases.

'Zaraki!' Tousen bellowed furiously, clutching Kougi tightly and shaking his fist in the air. Hitsugaya remained sitting down, eye twitching as Mr. Grumpy Pants landed on his head, followed by a huge bra, which could only belong to-

'_MATSUMOTO!'_

* * *

**_ehehehehehehehehehehehe ^^ go Ken-chan! XD if u dont understand some of the jap words, just ask me :D_**

**_Please review! XD_**


	5. Day 1:Moving In

**_YO! sorry if its a bit of a late update, but remember i have school and a life XD_**

**_AHAHAHA this is a VERY suggestive beginning !XD oh, and inc ase i havent mentioned, im kinda a hinamori hater, so she'll be very abused in this story XD dont like it, too bad_**

**_thanks to HeadstrongNozomi for the hitsuXMatsu idea in this chap!!! XD its not over yet!_**

* * *

'Aizen-taichou…It's very big'

'Yes, I know isn't it? I don't use it very often though'

'Why not? It's amazing!'

'I'm usually too tired, and there's not many people to show it to'

'Some of the men in our squad would love it!'

'What about you?'

'Ano…it's not really my type of thing'

'Really? It's lots of fun!'

'Game Rooms are meant to be fun', Hinamori smiled, looking around the spacious, purple-walled room. She could think of many of her friends that would love this place. Though a lot of them seemed to be avoiding her lately…oh well, she would tell Izuru-kun and Hisagi-san about it. They were friends with Aizen-taichou, weren't they?

'Well, Hinamori-san', Aizen smiled. 'Do you need help bringing your things upstairs?'

Hinamori shook her head, smiling. 'I'll be fine'

Humming, she made her way over the vast stairs, carrying her small suitcase and heavy bag. She paused as she saw a beautiful painting hanging on the wall, eyes widening.

'Not only is he handsome and smart', she whispered. 'But he like art too!', she stifled a squeal and giggled, continuing on her way. He gasped as her foot caught on the thick red carpeting, and she staggered forward, then back, arms flailing.

As if in slow motion, she fell, suitcase and bag bouncing after her, down the long, steep staircase, yelping and groaning.

* * *

Aizen murmured a song under his breath, pulling milk out of his fridge and pouring it into two tea-filled mugs. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the picture taken of him, Gin, Kira,Matsumoto and an angry Hitsugaya, who was glaring at the camera, covering up his face too late. All that could be seen of Hinamori was her blue bun and her small feet, standing on tiptoes.

His smile quickly faltered as he heard a shriek, followed by several long, muffled thumps. he dropped the milk on the floor and ran out of the room, skidding to a stop at the staircase.

'H-Hinamori-san', he exclaimed, eyeing the twisted pile of fukutaichou at the bottom of the stairs. 'You didn't need to come down; I was just bringing the tea up now!'

* * *

'Awww, you're so _cute!_ Yes you are!!!'

'Teeheehee!'

'Having fun, Isane?'

Isane whirled around, braids jingling. She blushed. 'I have to admit taichou…they are rather cute'

Unohana smiled gently, looking at the pink sack of flour with a motherly expression. 'You know what Isane? I think we may win this'

Isane smirked. 'People like Zaraki-taichou and Abarai might call 4th squad the sissy's squad, but let's see if they're still laughing when they have to go on recruitment missions'

Unohana's gentle smile turned slightly smug. 'Who knew you were so competitive?'

Isane blushed slightly again. 'I have a…bet on with Renji to see who would win this'

Unohana nodded gravely. 'As have I with Soifon-taichou', she hesitated, before beckoning for Isane to come closer.

'Between you and me' her blue eyes hardened. 'We can kick these guy's asses'

* * *

'Iba'

'Yes, taichou?'

'Where's Foxy?'

'Erm…'

'You lost him?'

'No! No, I've just misplaced…I'll go fetch, I mean, get him now'

Iba laughed nervously and bolted out of the room, trying to remember where he put "Foxy", their flour bag.

The name had been his taichou's idea. Iba didn't know if his captain realized the jibes and jokes that will be pointed at him for naming the "baby" after something so…personal.

Iba sighed and peeked into each room of his house, looking for the damn bag of flour. How had he lost it? He could've sworn he had it in his hands while he was chopping up vegetables and lighting the fireplace…

He did a double take as he saw Foxy sitting on the stairs banister.

'What the hell?!' Iba burst out, bolting towards the baby. 'Seriously!' he muttered. 'How the _hell_ did it get up there?'

Then he froze, arms in mid air about to grab it.

Foxy had his back turned to him, but was slowly, very slowly, turning around. After a minute, Foxy's bright, smiling face was in Iba's, smile turning devious.

'Buh-bye!' it squeaked. With a loud 'Wheeeee!' it slid down the long banister, Iba grabbing empty air. After taking a moment to regain his senses, Iba yelped and shot down the stairs after it, Foxy gaining more speed every second.

Swearing, the 7th squad fukutaichou dived on the banister head first, chin smacking the wood as he slid down after the baby, one arm clutching the banister for dear life, the other reaching for the baby.

He made a half whimper, half-groaning sound as the baby flew off the end of the banister, and into the arms of his surprised taichou.

'Taichou!' Iba shouted in relief, which quickly grew into horror as he realized he had nothing to stop his fall but his captain. 'Agh!'

Komamura blinked and stepped aside as Iba flew past him, crashing into the wall with a small groan.

Komamura loomed over his fallen fukutaichou, scowling. 'Iba, look what you almost did to Foxy! Do it again and that's half your payroll!'

'T-taichouuu'

* * *

'Matsumoto!'

'Hmm, taichou?'

'Can you do something?'

'I am, taichou'

'Like what? Destroying my living room?'

'I'm doing research for Nanao, Kiyone and Isane'

Hitsugaya leaned against the wall, wiping his arm across his sweaty forehead. 'I don't understand how watching human Soap operas is going to help change Shirou's diaper'

'I don't expect you to'

'Matsumoto!'

'Okay, okay, keep your adorable pink oven mitts on'

Matsumoto sighed and sat up, bits of popcorn and a sake dish falling off her and onto the litter-covered floor. With a loud yawn, she stretched, rising to her feet with a groan, then yawning again.

'Are you done yet?' Hitsugaya scowled. Matsumoto smiled. Her smile widened and she clasped her hands together as she looked at her small taichou, eyes tearing up.

'What?' Hitsugaya asked warily. Matsumoto giggled.

'You look so _cute!'_ she shrieked glomping him and smothering him with her giant chest.

For his last birthday, Hinamori had gotten him a teal apron that matched his eyes, with pink around the edges. It came with matching oven mitts. When he had scowled and asked Hinamori why she got him an apron in the first place, and a childish one too, she said it was because they made no adult aprons his side. He had abruptly kicked her out soon after.

Hitsugaya scowled. 'Matsumoto! Let me go, dammit!'

Matsumoto was sobbing, hugging him to the point of suffocation. 'But you're so damn cuuuuuute!'

Hitsugaya's eye twitched, and the weather in the room cooled. Matsumoto sensed the change and quickly leapt back, grinning sheepishly.

'It's your fault for being so cute!' she exclaimed. 'Now what did you want me to do?' she said before Hitsugaya could retort. He huffed, crossing his mitt-covered hands.

'Change Shirou's diaper', he repeated curtly. Matsumoto rolled her eyes.

'His name is _Mr. Grumpypants_!' she said exasperatedly. 'He really is a lot like you!' another eye twitch.

'When I agreed to let you live here for the week, we _both_ agreed that you would keep this place clean, and contribute to this parenting thing', Hitsugaya growled. He jerked his head over to the mess around his blue sofa and living room before turning back to his fukutaichou.

'I said I'd do the cooking and _some_ cleaning, you agreed to keep the baby clean and do the-Matsumoto are you listening to me?!' he yelled. His face went abruptly blank as Matsumoto's eyes glazed over, and her bottom lip trembled.

'No, Matsu-!'

'Taichoouuuu, you're so _cute_!'

* * *

'Nanaooo-chaaan!'

Nanao stifled a sigh of frustration and looked over her book at her whining taichou. 'What now?' she asked in an irritated tone.

Kyouraku pouted. 'I've been doing all the housework _and_ taking care of Sake, why don't you do some stuff?'

Nanao's eye twitched. 'First of all, her name is _not_ Sake, it's Violet. Second, I'm doing both sets of our paperwork, so don't complain. Third', she shifted her glasses. 'I don't know how to take care of babies'

'Huh?' Kyouraku exclaimed, yes widening. 'But, Nanao-chan! How will you take care of _our_ kids?!'

Nanao shot a glare at him. 'We are not having children! Yamamoto-soutaichou was _joking!_' Nanao shouted. _If he can do that_, she thought wryly.

Kyouraku sniffed the air suddenly. 'Is it me, or does something smell like…cake?'

Nanao also sniffed the air daintily, suddenly yelping and dropping her ever present book, then bolting over to the kitchen, Kyouraku walking lazily behind her.

'What's wrong?' he asked. 'Did you cook something, Nanao-chan? Even if it's burnt, I'll still eat it'

'No, taichou!' Nanao screamed. 'Look! The baby's on fire!'

* * *

'Ne, Kira-kun' Ichimaru Gin swiveled around in his large chair to face his wary, _blonde_ fukutaichou. 'I have devised a genius plan' he entwined his fingers, ever present smile widening.

'What is it, Ichimaru-taichou?' Kira asked wearily, shifting G.I. Joe on his lap. He personally found the name ridiculous, but his taichou had an obsession with Real World shows, and was fond of this one show called G.I Joe, something about a detective. Also, his captain had been so smart to point out that G.I can also stand for Gin and Izuru.

'What do ya know of Urahara Kisuke?'

Kira blinked. 'What?'

Gin grinned. 'Urahara Kisuke. The owner of tha' Shoten store in the Real World, the ex-12th squad captain'

Kira frowned. 'What's he got to do with anything?'

Gin snorted. 'He can help us. He's obsessed with all this weird junk, so we might ask 'I'm to…ah, take a look at what makes G.I Joe tick'

Kira's eyes widened. 'You want to cheat?!' Gin waved his arm and gestured for Kira to shut up.

'Duh! Face it, Blondie; we can't do this without help. We both suck, you more than I of course, and if ya don't wanna get caught up in those damn recruitment missions, we should see Urahara'

Kira hesitated, wincing as the baby burped in his ear. He looked over at his sneaky taichou and sighed. 'I guess you're right'

Gin clapped his hands, leaping to his feet. 'Great! Now, where's ma room?'

Kira's face paled.

He had thought of everything while his taichou was staying at his house. He had hidden valuable things, such as old artifacts, gossip magazines, his stash of voodoo dolls and gothic things, and most important, his eyeliner.

The one thing he hadn't prepared for his taichou's extended sleepover was sleeping quarters. He had prepared things to keep Gin entertained enough to not destroy his small house, such as randomly placed balls of yarn and a scratching post, but no bed or anything.

* * *

'Taichou…you're taking up a lot of space'

'Your fault for existing'

'Taichou! That's mean, and you're hogging the covers!'

'Well, ya didn't wanna take the floor, so this is what ya get, Kira-kun'

'It's _my_ house!'

'_I_ control your pay roll!'

Kira rolled onto his side, scowling at the wall opposite him. If he moved an inch to the right, he would fall off the edge of the comfortable futon and onto the cold floor.

Gin glared at the lamp beside him, slowly pushing Kira off the edge by stretching and pretending to toss in his sleep, smacking his fukutaichou by "accident".

_This should please those rabid fan girls_, Gin thought darkly. _If he makes a move on me, I'm using Shinsou._

* * *

**_I LOVE Gin in this story! He's so cute! ^^_**

**_btw, if ya like humour and Ichiruki, check out mi ichiruki fic. apparently its quite funny, and its romance. theyre bout to kiss! XD_**

**_please review!!!!_**

**_till next time, _**

**_-lazy llama-_**


	6. Day 2:Of Bananas, Firecrackers and more

**_Ohayoooooo!_**

**_i am about to post up a new story. In humour category, called Bleach Fairy tales._**

_**Summary: **__Includes Ichigo as Goldilocks, Komamura as the big bad wolf, and_ _Gin as an evil witch luring Sentarou and Kiyone into her gingerbread house._

* * *

'Abarai…'

'Taichou! It wasn't me!'

'Abarai…'

'I didn't eat your banana!'

'You're lying. Give it back. Now'

Renji sweat dropped and looked around the office for his taichou's favourite lunch. His taichou must like him more than he appears, as he's still alive. His eyes rested on the black-haired Ichigo, sitting innocently on his desk. It had a piece of yellow around its smiling mouth. Renji pointed at it accusingly.

'See!' he shouted, arm quivering. 'Ichigo ate your damn banana!' the stoic 6th squad taichou shifted his glare from Renji to Ichigo, whose yellow face was now smirking.

'Did you eat my banana?' Byakuya asked Ichigo quietly.

'It taste gooooooooood', Ichigo replied in a perfect imitation of Byakuya. Byakuya's eye twitched. His fingers twitched towards Senbonzakura.

'Taichou', Renji said quietly, taking a step forward. 'The consequences…'

'That was a bad thing to do',Byakuya's voice was icy. Ichigo's smirk widened.

'I dun like youuuuu' Ichigo replied. Another eye twitch.

'I thought we could get along, but I see it cannot be', Byakuya straightened up. 'You ate my banana. It was mine, and you ate it. I cannot forgive that.'

'Now it comin' out zee otha end!' Ichigo chirped brightly, before blowing a raspberry at Byakuya.

'Abarai…', Renji hurried forward, knowing that to object would mean his death. With a quickly stifled groan, he lifted up Ichigo, holding him as far away from his body as he could.

Byakuya sat at his desk, glaring at Ichigo, who was glaring back over Renji's shoulder. Hmm. The Kuchiki Glare of a Thousand Painful Deaths wasn't working…?

He felt something cold drop on his shoulder and jerked out of the way, turning his glare to the ceiling. Drops of water were gathering just above Byakuya's head, preparing to drop on his marvelous hair.

'Kuso!' he swore, leaping out of his chair and hissing like a cat, sweeping his hair over his shoulder. He turned to the bewildered Renji.

'Leave that thing to me', he demanded. 'Go get someone to fix the ceiling! It's leaking!'

'It feels like Hyourinmaru', Renji murmured, looking out the window at the angry grey clouds. He sighed and left Ichigo on the table, walking over to the phone on his wall, looking at his captain critically.

_Is he…afraid of rain?_

* * *

'Ne, Ken-chaaaaaaaan'

'No, Yachiru.'

'But I'm hungry!'

'Eat _food'_

'But Sugar's hungry too!'

'Eat _food'_

Yachiru pouted, flicking one of the bells on her Ken-chan's head. He was being a meany. He hadn't given her any lollies for ages now. Sugar was getting restless too. Without sugar, she couldn't do anything.

She looked critically at Sugar's long blue hair, a small smirk forming on her face. She hopped of Kenpachi's shoulder, sitting across from Sugar, thinking. With a small cry, she leapt up, bolting towards her and Ken-chan's house.

A few seconds later, she reappeared in front of Sugar with a tub of hair gel labeled _Zaraki Kenpachi's special hair gel for stubborn spiky hair._

'Oi, Yachiru!' Kenpachi shouted furiously, looking around anxiously for any others from his squad. Yachiru ignored him.

'Ken-chan, Sugar's hair can be like yours!' she chirped, unscrewing the lid, revealing a murky green substance. Yachiru wrinkled her nose.

'This is what you use on your air?' she said critically. 'It stinks!'

'You try shoving friggin' bells on your head everyday without that stuff to hold the spikes up' Kenpachi muttered. Yachiru giggled.

Yachiru grunted as she pulled at a tuft of hair, trying to separate it. Zaraki looked over at her lazily.

'Have we fed Sack of Shit yet?' Yachiru shrugged.

'He or she will be fine…what gender is Sugar?' Yachiru asked, wondering about their baby's gender for the first time. Zaraki snorted.

'How the hell would I know? I can't believe that old fart went through this much effort'

'Where did Sugar come from?'

Zaraki suddenly looked uncomfortable. 'It...fell from the sky…delivered by…a flying white-haired midget?' his answer turned into a question as Hitsugaya Toushirou flew gracefully through the sky, a trail of smoke flying after him.

Yachiru frowned, looking at Sugar. 'You're weird', she told it critically. Sugar giggled.

* * *

Allowing his third seats to move into his generously sized house hadn't been the best idea. Their constant bickering and fist fights among other things had given Ukitake a headache.

Ukitake sighed contentedly, sinking into his hot bath with closed eyes. This was one of his favourite times of day, where he could forget about his troublesome third seats and just relax...

'Waaaaaaaa!' His yelp was lost under a mouthful of water. He resurfaced, blinking and spluttering. Now what?

He glared through the wall, where Sentarou's loud voices were bickering as usual. He shifted his gaze to another wall, where Jyuu-chan's wails were coming through.

Though he felt guilty, he also felt smug and very smart using his lethal; disease to get out of babysitting duties. The only problem was his third seats. Out of everyone, he had to pick _them_ to take care of a sack of crying flour. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't even trust them with his cat.

_Kaien would've had fun with this_, the sudden thought of his deceased fukutaichou immediately saddened him.

With a loud sigh, he got up from his bath, grabbing a towel and walking over to the door, opening it slightly and peeking out warily. No one.

_I can't believe I'm doing this, _he thought darkly. _If anyone sees me…_

He quickly shuffled out the door, making his way down the corridor, further away from his bickering third seats, closer to the direction of the wailing. Before long, he arrived at Jyuu-chan's room, wincing at the loudness of the crying.

Holding up his towel with one hand, he made shushing noises, picking up Jyuu-chan and rocking him gently, the sobbing subsiding. Just then, there were several loud thumps as someone started down the stairs.

'Dammit!', Ukitake muttered. He tightened his hold on Jyuu-chan and moved swiftly out the door, eager to get back into the spa room before someone saw him.

Running quickly whilst very wet on a tiled floor isn't the best idea.

Ukitake slipped, arms flailing, and skidded several feet before bursting through a door, his towel and Jyuu-chan flying in the air.

He groaned and sat up, rubbing his head, blinking at the sight of over a dozen people staring at him in shock. A woman in a purple kimono winked at him.

The Seireitei News Group.

He looked down and yelped, grabbing the towel off the floor and quickly covering himself as cameras flashed, and staggering back out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

'_Kiyone! Sentarou!'_

'Waaaaa!'

* * *

Omaeda yawned and scratched his balding head, glaring at his sleeping taichou. For reasons he didn't know, she had chosen his house instead of hers, and had only brought a small bag and a hammock, which she then set up in the middle of the room, placing a high strength Kidou shield around it.

Omaeda was upset. His taichou had manipulated his limited thinking into finally agreeing to do most of the chores after she was a few sentences into a well rehearsed, long worded speech on why he should do it.

As of now, he was wearing an apron, scrubbing his grimy floor on hands and knees, mumbling darkly.

'…not fair that _she _gets to take a nap while I clean up this hellhole, I've been doing almost all the stupid work…'his voice trailed off into incomprehensible muttering.

'On top of that, she snores!' Omaeda exclaimed, wincing as a particularly loud snore set the room shaking. H bent down to retrieve a fallen permanent marker that had fallen on the floor.

With a slow, evil smirk, he quietly unscrewed the lid, moving over to his sleeping taichou. If she woke up, he'd blame the baby.

A few minutes later, he stepped away from her, trembling with barely controlled laughter.

Soifon now had a twirly moustache, along with a curly goatee and a thick black monobrow. He had also drawn glasses on her, and whiskers.

Soifon mumbled something and rolled over, falling off the freshly cleaned couch and onto the floor, landing in a crouch. She gasped, looking from the clock in the wall to Omaeda, who struggled to keep a straight face.

'Omaeda!', she shouted. 'Why didn't you wake me up? I have a captains meeting in 5 minutes, you fat mole!'

She leapt to her feet, dashing over to the door. 'take care of Yoruichi-sama!'

Omaeda scoffed. His taichou's obsession with Shihouin Yoruichi disturbed him. She had even gone so far as to name their sack of flour after her. He smirked.

Right now, she was heading to the captains meeting. Though he knew he would pay dearly for it later, he chuckled to himself, imagining the faces of the other 12 taichous when they saw her.

* * *

'Am I late?' Soifon breezed past Unohana, who had her eyes closed.

'He's about to start now' Unohana whispered back, turning her attention to the soutaichou. Soifon nodded, satisfied. If that lazy ass had made her late or worse miss the meeting, she would've killed him.

Yamamoto had finally accepted her persistent question of whether she could expand 2nd squad's training facilities and build a new one on the mountain for her new Special Ops group. He had finally accepted, telling her that she could present her idea to everyone else at the next captains' meeting.

'Nice makeup, Soifon-san', Soifon's eye twitched at the always mocking tone of the 3rd squad taichou, Ichimaru Gin. What did he mean, "Makeup"? She didn't wear any.

'Get your eyes checked, freak', she snapped back at him.

'Touchy, touchy', he chuckled. Soifon scowled. She looked over at Tousen, who was the only one holding his baby with him. Everyone else, like her, had decided to leave theirs with their fukutaichous, too proud to take it with them.

She was surprised since Tousen, apart from herself, was probably one of the proudest men in the Gotei 13. Yamamoto banged his staff upon the ground, the not so quiet chatter vanishing.

'First of all', he boomed. 'I would like a progress report' he banged his staff again to silence the outburst of panicky muttering.

'I sent Sasakibe-fukutaichou to each of your squads to get one. I am quite disappointed' Sasakibe shrunk slightly under the force of the glares sent at him.

'A fire truck was sent to the residence of Kyouraku Shunsui and temporary residence of Ise Nanao, after their baby, Sake Violet, was _set on fire_', Kyouraku smiled nervously.

'Matsumoto fukutaichou was reported to have left a bag of fireworks on the table, next to a lighter, next to their baby…Mr. Grumpy Pants', he cleared his throat to end the chuckling. 'Hitsugaya taichou was reported to have been seen _flying_, after having a large firework shoved down his haori, then set alight by Mr. Grumpy Pants '

'It's Shirou!' Hitsugaya cried out in frustration, wincing and clutching his back.

He threw down the thick scroll, glaring at the sheepish captains around him. 'You have 5 more days till the final examination. I suggest you improve your coordination, else you fail'

Sasakibe cleared his throat, breaking the icy silence. 'N-Now a report from Soifon-taichou?'

Soifon nodded, walking forward. Yamamoto's eyes widened slightly. Soifon ignored Zaraki's short bark of laughed among other snickers and turned to face them.

'As you all know, I am planning on enlarging the fighting barracks for my squad, and building a new one for my Special Ops. Team. This will involve tearing down the old spa there, which people rarely use…any objections?'

Mayuri clicked his fingers. 'If you're trying to impersonate me, you're failing quite miserably', Soifon's eyes narrowed.

'What are you talking about, Clown-man?' she snarled, frustrated with the building laughter.

'Is this a joke, Soifon-taichou?' Yamamoto asked coldly. Soifon whirled to face him.

'No! I'm perfectly serious! My squad needs more space to fight, and none ever us-!'

'Maybe…' Ukitake's voice was amused. 'You should have a word with your fukutaichou'

Soifon was confused. 'What are you talking about?', she ran her fingers through her hair, pausing as they brushed her forehead. She felt something wet. Horrified, she brought her hand down.

Smudged ink was spread along her hand. Her mouth dropped open.

* * *

Omaeda blew out a sigh and wiped his hand across his sweaty face. 'I could really go for some sake right about now…' thinking his taichou wouldn't mind, he moved over to the fridge, which was now stocked full of fresh food, and pulled out a hidden bottle of sake, taking a few large gulps gratefully.

'So…not only do you draw on my face, but you've been hiding sake among the vegetables?', Omaeda choked on the sake at his taichou's icy voice.

'S-Soifon-taichou!' he exclaimed. 'I-It was Yoruichi-sama!'

Soifon smirked, unsheathing her zanpakutou. 'You _fat Idiot._ Yoruichi-sama is asleep next to the weapons cabinet. How stupid are you?'

'T-taichou! No! Have mercy, ple-!?'

'Jinteki Syakusetsu, Suzumebachi!'

* * *

**_sorry if each scene is a bit short, but i'll try make it longer. Jerry Springer and Ichio and Co. are comign up! XD_**

**_please check out mi new fic! The second chap is better!_**

**_till next time, _**

**_-lazy llama-_**


	7. Day 3:Fukutaichou Daycare!

**_ehehe sorry for the late update! ^^ school's been keeping me busy =.='_**

**_omg i love this chapter! XD I hope u do too!_**

* * *

'Nanao-san!'

'Isane-san!'

Isane and Nanao smiled at each other, holding Sake Violet and Hana, 4th squad's baby in their arms.

'Any news from the others yet?' Nanao asked. Isane shook her head.

'Rangiku-chan and Shuu-kun should be here soon, along with Iba-san and Yachiru-chan', she said Hinamori's name a little coldly. 'I don't know about Kiyone and Sentarou or Kira. Nemu-san is forbidden to come by Kurotsuchi'

Nanao nodded. 'This play date is a good idea…I feel sorry for Hisagi-san…Tousen-taichou is very…demanding', Isane smiled.

'Serves him right for dropping Hana', she muttered darkly, remembering the day before when Hisagi had held Hana, only to have her bite his finger.

'Ouch! Dammit, Ichigo!' a familiar voice growled. Nanao and Isane turned to see Renji holding an upside down sack with spiky black hair. He grabbed it before it hit the ground and held it firmly, scowling.

'Yo, Isane, Nanao', he greeted, nodding to the two women.

'Where's Kuchiki-taichou?' Renji squirmed at Nanao's question.

'He's…somewhere', he mumbled, shuddering. Nanao sensed his discomfort, frowning curiously.

'Ah! Abarai-kun!' a high-pitched voice shouted. All three fukutaichous winced and looked over with growing dread.

'Crap', Renji muttered. 'Who invited Hinamori?'

The 5th squad vice-captain skipped over to them, looking slightly battered and carrying her and Aizen's baby (**EW)** in her arms.

Soon, all the squads' vice captains were present, apart from one.

Hitsugaya sat in a corner, looking uncomfortably, holding a squirming Mr. Grumpy Pants in his arms. His white haori and height stood out against all the black uniforms around him. Ayasegawa Yumichika, the 11th squad 5th seat, was there also for some reason, looking highly disgruntled and unpleased.

'Umm…Hitsugaya-taichou', Hisagi said nervously. 'Where's Rangiku-san?'

Hitsugaya's scowl almost froze Hisagi to the spot. 'I don't know', he muttered. 'But she completely abandoned me. When she gets back, I'm gonna…' his voice trailed off into a dark mumble. Hisagi sweat dropped and swiftly moved away, joining Renji, Iba and Kira.

'Ayasegawa …Why are _you_ here?' Isane asked Yumichika with a frown. He sighed.

'Zaraki-taichou and that little beast are who knows where, and they dropped this _thing_ on me!' he scoffed. 'I have better things to do than baby-sit a sack of flour!' more sweat drops from around the room.

Nanao cleared her throat to get everyone's attention, shifting her glasses. 'Alright, Isane and I thought it would be a good idea to organize this play date for the little monst-erm, babies to give them something to do other than destroy and wreak havoc' there were several murmurs of agreement, followed by a wince from Hitsugaya as Mr. Grumpy Pants pulled at his hair.

'We've prepared several activities to keep the babies entertained. We have painting, some Real World activities like "play-duh" and "Hide-and-Seek', Isane took over. 'I know we're enemies at the moment, but even so, we're having a lesson on how to take care of babies, since we're all pretty much new to this'

* * *

'Okay…first up is the play dog', Nanao announced. She lifted a tub full of thick, colourful chunks and placed it with a _thunk_ on the large table. Everyone looked at it curiously.

'What the hell?' Omaeda said bluntly, grabbing a pink block and eyeing it coldly. 'This is gonna keep those little shits entertained?'

Nanao cleared her throat again. 'Erm…okay, well grab some of the dog and mould it into a shape you find desirable. Give some to the monst-erm, babies as well'

The minutes ticked by, Hisagi and Renji guffawing over the orange and red shape they had made into a…detailed resemblance of Matsumoto. Hitsugaya glared at them over his own icy blue dough, which roughly resembled an icy blue dragon. Omaeda's baby (**I choked writing that!)**, Yoruichi-sama, had made a well done horse. Omaeda eyed it enviously, eye flickering from his own clumsy play dough chicken.

Ichigo's smirk turned evil as she picked up a big lump of sticky pink dough and flung it across the room, where it hit Hinamori in the face. She gasped and dropped her purple likeness of Aizen, clutching her red nose.

The other babies in the room giggled at Ichigo's display and picked up their own lumps, flinging them at Hinamori as well. She yelped and fell back as multi-coloured blurs completely covered her face.

'Take cover!' Isane shouted, grabbing a clipboard and flinging it in front of her face just as a splat of green dough hit it. Hisagi and Renji dove the same way, a loud crack emitting as they clashed, collapsing on the ground in pain. Yumichika gave a high-pitched shriek of terror, throwing his hands over his face and crawling under the table.

The room was full of scrambling fukutaichous, scrambling away, except for Hinamori, whose weakly reaching arm was the only visible part of her body.

'Stop!' Nanao screamed, holding her ever present book over her head. 'Dammit, I did not join the Gotei 13 for _this!'_

* * *

Nanao shifted her glasses. 'Okay…Now it's time for painting', she flicked a chunk of rainbow dough of her hand and placed several brightly-coloured bottles and paintbrushes on the table.

She glared around the circular tabled, violet eyes hard. 'No listening to Ichigo, no eating, no throwing things around the room', she said sternly.

'At me', Hinamori added weakly. Nanao ignored her, sliding paintbrushes across the table. Hisagi and Renji caught theirs one handed, clutching an ice pack to their faces with the other.

For a while, the only sound other than the small splatter of paint and the strokes of paintbrushes was the silent giggling of Mr. Grumpy Pants as he tugged on Hitsugaya's hair, making the small taichou's eyes twitch. Kira winced as G.I Joe swung his brush up, splattering Kira's face with brown paint.

Nanao and Isane looked up from their painting, eyeing the other 12 occupants of the room. Compared to a few days ago, they all looked…exhausted. When not laughing or scowling, everyone's face was a matching mask of doom. Hitsugaya's usually spiky white hair seemed greyer, the tips drooping like a wilted flower. Hisagi's 'I'm so hot' aura was at an all time low. Kira looked even more depressed than usual, looking more like his miserable zanpakutou than ever.

Nanao and Isane seemed to be the only ones not seriously affected by this dangerous mission. Isane's captain had given her an energizing pill, which she had to take every half hour to stay awake and sane. Nanao didn't resort to medication, but rather an impeccably organized schedule.

'You know', Nanao leaned towards Isane, voice hushed. 'We should team up. With each other's help, we can grind these losers' faces in the dust'

Isane's startled look quickly vanished, replaced by a small smile. 'Since when are you so competitive, Ise-san', she whispered back. Nanao didn't falter. She opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Hinamori.

'Ano…Abarai-kun, can you please pass me the red paint?' she asked, eyes on the baby on her lap. Renji stifled an eye roll, reaching for the paint bottle. Iba's eyes widened.

'Abarai, the lid isn't-!'

'Yeah, here ya go', he threw the bottle at Hinamori, Iba watching in helpless terror as it spun through the air.

_SPLAT!_

There were mixes of whimpers and gasps. The large red bottle had made a diagonal path of paint, leaving Kira, Sentarou and Kiyone with a line of paint across their faces, snaking its way over the table and to the other side, where Hinamori sat dumbstruck, the upturned bottle on her head, bright red liquid dripping down her head. Omaeda sat next to her, blinking red out of his eyes.

After a few shocked moments, Renji, Hisagi and Iba burst out laughing, slapping the table and roaring with laughter. Nanao narrowed her eyes, going cross-eyed to glare at the speck of red on the bridge of her nose.

'You think that's funny, do you, Abarai?' she demanded. She dunked her paintbrush in the murky water and flicked it, sending a muddy splatter onto the three other fukutaichous, who shouted angrily, dabbing at their robes and faces.

The temperature of the room somewhat cooled, and everyone quickly looked over at Hitsugaya, whose arms were crossed, eye twitching permanently.

'Stop this idiocy', he growled. 'You're members of the Gotei 13 and your acting shamelessly! Its bad enough I have to be here, but I have a headache because my _soon to be dead as soon as I find her_ vice captain gave me sake instead of my tea. I have been fined for freezing the lake in 6th squad, which won't thaw out until next spring, I am stuck with this giggling, crying, ever-hungry, gas-producing monster for a week while my fukutaichou is who knows where. I am not in the mood for any of this rubbish, and if you insist on acting like children, I will use Hyourinmaru once more', everyone eyed his tightened grip on his paintbrush, which turned to ice and crumbled.

Dumbfounded silence followed his speech. He gave a satisfied nod. 'Now, let's be done with these stupid activities so I can resign from the Gotei 13 and go live with penguins in the freezing cold climate of Antarctica'

More dumbfounded silence. Renji leaned towards Hisagi.

'He's joking…right?'

Hisagi shrugged, shocked. 'I…I don't know'

Just then Sake Violet slapped the edge of her sack body on a paintbrush, sending it whizzing through the air. Hitsugaya's eyes flickered up to the black paint dripping from his hair.

'Oh…shit!' Renji whimpered. Everyone gasped at the high-pitched, strained words that followed.

'Soten ni zase, _HYOURINMARU_!'

* * *

'W-Well…this is the final activity for today', Nanao announced in a small voice. 'Since Hitsugaya-taichou has annihilated our activity room, we are now forced to move outside'

No-one dared to even _look,_ let alone glare, at the scowling, but slightly sheepish Hitsugaya Toushirou.

'We've decided to exclude all and any forms of fun including paints or throw able items' Isane said. 'So we're now playing "Hide and Seek". I don't think we'll have time for the parenting lesson, so we'll end it with this and maybe…erm…come back another…' her voice trailed away at Hitsugaya's glare.

Nanao and Isane explained the rules of the game, Nanao declaring herself "In". Everyone else and their babies took off into the park trees, Hitsugaya moving swiftly up into a thick tree, where he crossed his arms and struggled not to pout.

'3…2…1!' Nanao opened her eyes and scanned the tree tops for any sign of her fellow Gotei 13 members. All was silent apart from the twittering of birds and occasional rustle of park animals.

Clutching Sake Violet tightly, Nanao moved quietly through the bright green trees, alert for any sounds. She saw a white flash out of the corner of her eye, but though it best not to annoy him…

She heard a twig snap and a quickly muffled curse and shunpoed over to the spot, pressing her back against a tree. She heard a loud groaning coming from the tree and looked up, frowning. A large black fruit with a ring of purple was hanging from the tree.

_How strange…_, Nanao thought dismissively, moving away in disappointment.

The fruit quivered, and Omaeda's head popped up from the middle, grinning widely. _I am a genis! Genios! Gen…gah whatever I'm smart!_

Nanao heard the shifting sound of material coming from a bush and smirked. She held her book up high and brought it down with a loud 'Ha!' earning a groan from the bush. There was a small whimper and Yumichika fell out of the bush, dazed and unseeing.

'Found you!' she said triumphantly. 'Now you're it!' with that, she vanished leaving a grumbling Yumichika struggling to his feet.

'I should have given this to Ikkaku', he muttered to himself. 'This is too much dirty work for one such as I', he recoiled from Sugar as it burped. Loudly.

'That's _so_ not beautiful', Yumichika exclaimed, holding Sugar at arms length. Still muttering to himself, he moved away from the infected area and sighed, gazing lazily at the trees and bushes for any sign of movement.

He paused as he heard a humming sound, steadily growing closer. _What on Seireitei is that?_, he wondered vaguely, looking up at the blue sky. Nothing.

With a frown, he continued walking. He had only taken a few steps before the humming noise became more pronounced. His eyes widened in alarm as he felt the ground beneath his feet tremble.

There was a loud grunt as Renji fell from a tree, landing with a muffled thump on the ground, Ichigo on his chest. Yumichika kicked him in the side, making the 6th squad vice captain double over.

'Ow what the hell Gaylord?' he shouted angrily. Yumichika looked affronted, face turning angry red.

'What? Having a sense of hygiene and beauty makes me homosexual?' he demanded. 'At least I'm not a hideous baboon like you!'

Renji rose to his feet, scowling. 'What'd ya say, Girly?'

The continued arguing, other being drawn over by the loud voices. Soon after, everyone had gathered, keeping the hissing shinigami away from each other.

'Are you trying to get us turned into ice blocks?', Sentarou snapped, looking around warily.

'He started it!', both Renji and Yumichika shouted. They growled at each other furiously.

'Hey…', Isane frowned. 'Does anyone else hear that?'

They remained silent, listening.

'It sounds like…bees?' Iba said uncertainly. Everyone looked up at the sky in warning. Kiyone exclaimed.

'Look!' she shouted. 'Over there!'

They followed her pointing finger, eyes widening.

'Is that…?'

'Yes'

'…What the Hueco Mundo?'

'Is that Kurotsuchi's sack of flour?' Renji squinted at the white shape in the steadily closing distance.

'That can't be good', Hitsugaya's voice said quietly. Silence followed his words, before thoughts of Kurotsuchi's experiments and science laboratories flashed through their minds, sending them in a panic.

'They're…birds?!'

Sure enough, dozens upon dozens of huge, fat, purple-white birds were flying towards them, 12th squad's baby dangling from the biggest one's claws.

'N-Nemu-san?', Nanao asked surprised. The lithe figure of Kurotsuchi Nemu was running towards them, eyes fixed on the swiftly approaching birds. She leapt up, kicking off a tree and into the sky, aiming a kick at the bird holding the baby. It dodged, cackling and flying higher.

Nemu landed lightly back on the ground, frowning. 'I guess I have no choice', she murmured, pulling out a black control from her robes. Everyone eyed it nervously.

'What is that?' Iba asked warily. Nemu kept her eyes fixed on the hovering birds.

'A defence system I installed in Mayuri-sama2', she answered blankly, pushing the button.

'Defence syst-?'

They looked up as a loud mechanical whirring emitted from the no longer smiling Mayuri-sama2. It suddenly became encased by black metal armour, several guns and other objects poking out from every crevice in its small body.

'NOOOOOOOOOOO!'

* * *

Byakuya rolled onto his side, frowning as his fukutaichou's deep grunting snores reached his sensitive ears.

_I dearly regret this_, he thought wistfully.

The only reason his idiotic, monkey-like vice captain was currently in _his_ manor, which had been in his family for generations, which housed his young sister, was because he found Abarai's flat highly inappropriate for keeping the sack of flour safe for a week. To ease his discomfort, he had given Abarai the room farthest away from Rukia, the smallest room in the large manor. An over large broom closet similar to a small bedroom.

He could tell his vice captain was unhappy with the arrangements, but was wise enough not to complain. He, Byakuya, was conveniently In the same corridor as Abarai, so he would be able to hear any late night trips to somewhere outside his designated space. He had put a kidou shield within a hundred yards anywhere of Rukia's bedroom.

_Not that he would dare trying anything_, Byakuya thought coldly. _It's bad enough I have to listen to his demonic snoring, but that sack has picked up his disgusting habits._

_Why did its room have to be next to _mine?

Byakuya stifled yet another sigh, eyes flickering to Senbonzakura on his wall.

_Patience, _he told himself wearily. Taking a quick peek over at his sliding door, he quietly stood from his futon, moving over to a set of drawers. Removing the kidou shields around it and de activating the numerous traps, sidestepping the gaping hole in his floor which led to Kurotsuchi's monstrous creations, he finally found what he was looking for.

The one thing that always helped him through sleepless nights like this, the thing that always made him feel safe and warm, the thing he treasured deeply.

Moving back to his bed, he held his Rukia-made Chappy plushy tightly to him, inhaling his favourite scent of lavender deeply. He quickly fell asleep with his favourite dream: A Thousand Ways to Murder Abarai Renji.

* * *

**_KYAAAAAAAAAAAA! BYAKUN! _**

**_i just had to add that bit! i hope u liked it! sorry for any typos!_**

**_as always, reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks to those whove reviewed so far!_**

**_Till next time, _**

**_-lazy llama-_**


	8. Day 4: Pedobears and the Real World

**_YO!_**

**_an update, finally! ^^ i have to say, i find this chapter freakin HILARIOUS!_**

**_Warning: Paedophilic themes, craziness, swearing_**

* * *

'Kira…remember…quiet and stealthy'

'Yes, taichou, I know'

Ichimaru Gin and Kira Izuru quietly gathered a bunch of suitcases outside Kira's home, G.I Joe sitting on top of Gin's.

Gin wanted to be super sneaky and had forced Kira into a Real World disguise, in case anyone wondered.

'Taichou, just out of curiousity, why am _I_ the wife?' Kira asked grumpily. Gin tilted his hat to Kira, squinty eyes just visible through the dark sunglasses he was wearing.

'Ya think _I_ can be a girl?' Gin asked him critically. 'Well, of course I can, but the role suits you more Kira-kun. And besides, ain't those dresses comfortable?'

'Yes, but it's pink and frilly and for _women'_

'Taichous get first pick, Izuru. Now hurry up with the suitcases'

'What have you packed in them anyway?' Kira panted, gloved hands dragging the heavy suitcases after him. Gin pulled his zanpakutou out of his black jacket and pressed it to the air, glowing slightly.

A few seconds later, a Senkai Gate appeared, the Japanese sliding doors…sliding open. Two Hell Butterflies fluttered out, and joined Gin and Kira as they entered, casting shifty looks around them as they went.

They walked along the corridor, Kira's high heels making echoing sounds. His face pulsed red with anger and embarrassment, which had been present since he had first put on the stupid dress and heels.

Every since his _accidental_ attack on his captain, Gin hadn't forgiven him and showed no signs of it, acting distinctly colder and crueler than before.

'A blonde, brunette, and red-head decided to rob a grocery store-'

'-Here we go-', Kira mumbled.

'-A cashier called the police when they weren't lookin' though, and the police arrived within minutes surroundin' tha store. Seeing they were trapped, tha three robbers hid in three _potato_ sacks at tha back o' the store. Three policemen went in and after finding no-one, came across tha sacks.

"They could be in 'ere", one of 'em said. Agreeing, the first policeman poked the sack containing the red-head. "Meow!" it said. "Oh, it's jus' a cat", the man said. The second policeman poked the sack containin' the brunette. "Woof!" it barked. "Oh, it's just a dog", the second policeman said. The third one poked the sack containin' the blonde.

"Potato!"

* * *

'Matsumoto why is this necessary?' Hitsugaya growled at his vice-captain. He was currently wearing a school boy's uniform, complete with a scowling teddy bear backpack.

Matsumoto flashed a cheesy grin. She was wearing a swirly brown skirt and orange shirt that was stretching at the seams. 'We need to be inconspicuous if we're gonna visit Urahara…this is totally the kind of crap he would know how to fix...permanently'

'Che…' Hitsugaya mumbled, wearing a matching scowl to his bag. 'If you hadn't taken my Gikongan, I would have transformed and had you frozen for the next century…'

Another grin. 'Stop pouting…thought it's really cute, and get inside the Senkai Gate'

Hitsugaya shuddered. 'I hope no-one else would have thought of this'

Matsumoto snorted. 'The Tenth squad is the smartest! With my genius and your cuteness, we'll grind those losers' faces in the _dust_'

Hitsugaya sighed. Someday he really was going to live with the penguins in Antarctica. And never come back.

* * *

Hinamori and Aizen made their way swiftly through the Gate, Hinamori's heels silent against the strange white path. Tied around her waist was a rope, which was connected to a mountain of luggage, which she was pulling like the cow she was. (**A/N** **Sorry, couldn't resist XD)**

'Hinamori-san', Aizen called over his shoulder. 'We're almost there, so please hurry up'

Hinamori crawled forward, panting. She was wearing a maids outfit, Aizen a purple and yellow pinstripe suit with shiny heels, several gold chains around his neck and gold teeth. The sliding doors opened and they stepped out into the Real World sunlight…

And abruptly fell on something else.

'Ow! Crap, what the he-Aizen?'

Aizen looked down from his pillow, almost fainting in delight.

Hitsugaya Toushirou was beneath him, spread eagled-eagled and breathless, Aizen was sitting on his torso.

'This is a dream come true!' Aizen whispered in giddy joy. 'The uniform is there too!'

Hitsugaya turned bright red. 'Matsumoto! You said no-one else would be in the Real World! Especially-Aizen what the _hell_ are you touching?'

'Ah! Izuru-kun we-re in the Real W-oah!'

Hitsugaya was further flattened as Ichimaru Gin and Kira Izuru landed on top of their human pile. Matsumoto squirmed under the combined weight of Hinamori, Gin and Kira.

'Oooh!' Gin yelped. 'I landed on something very pleasantly squishy!'

'Remove your hand before I cut it off, Gin', Matsumoto hissed. Gin removed his hands and folded them on his lap.

'Well, well, well', he grinned. 'It's a shinigami pile!'

'Taichou…' Momo wheezed. 'I…can't…breath-'

'What the hell are you doing here?' Hitsugaya interrupted.

'Why are _you_ here, chibi taichou?' Gin's grin widened.

'Shut it', Hitsugaya snarled, struggling out from under a smiling Aizen. He flopped on the ground, sucking in lungfuls of air. He swayed to his feet, giving a small embarrassed cough and using Captain Grumpy Pants in a failed attempt to his clothes. He found Aizen's stare extremely disconcerting.

The shinigami pile unraveled, and they formed a glaring triangle. Gin cleared his throat.

'Well…why are ya'll here?' he asked, creepy grin returning.

'We're here to see…someone, Matsumoto said suspiciously, smoothing out her skirt. 'So…if you don't mind, we're going to go now…right, taichou?'

'Right', Hitsugaya murmured. Both of them took a step back. At the same time, Gin and Kira took a step forward.

'Dear me, we seem to be heading in the same direction', he said, shaking his head. 'You aren't here to see Urahara Kisuke, are you now?'

Hitsugaya swore. 'He _knows'_, he breathed to Matsumoto. Aizen chuckled.

'Well, well, well, we're in a bit of a pickle now, aren't we?' he smiled.

'What the hell do pickles have to do with anything?' Hitsugaya snapped. Aizen's smile widened.

'They have many uses, Shirou-kun'

'Don't call me that, pervert!' the small captain snarled. He turned to Matsumoto. 'We're leaving'

Matsumoto fixed her large pink sunhat and nodded briskly. 'Well then…we are leaving now…bye', she and Hitsugaya turned and started walking, gaining speed. Aizen, Hinamori, Kira and Gin looked at each other.

'_RUN!_' Matsumoto shrieked. She and Hitsugaya started sprinting. At the same time Gin let out a war cry and dragged Kira behind him as Aizen bolted forward. The six of them were running as if Yamamoto himself were chasing them.

'Godammit I hate this job!' Hitsugaya shouted, running as fast as he could. 'I hate this job, I hate these clothes, and I hate this _baby!_' Mr. Grumpy Pants was tugging on his white locks like a reign, pulling Hitsugaya's face back by about a centimeter.

'Come on, Kira-kun!' Gin shouted over his shoulder. Kira was the furthest with Hinamori, who was dragging the suitcases. He was holding the bottom of his dress so it wouldn't get dirty, and his high heels were clacking along the ground, sending him stumbling several times.

Aizen gave a predatory chuckle and pounced, catching Hitsugaya around the legs. The boy yelped and came crashing down heavily as Matsumoto breezed past him, cackling.

Gin jumped over the two captains, cackling, and picked up speed to catch up to Matsumoto. Hitsugaya squirmed out of Aizen's grip, panting, and bolted, passing both Gin and Matsumoto.

Kira and Hinamori had fallen behind and gave up on running, simply walking.

'So, Kira-kun', Hinamori said brightly. 'How's…G.I Joe doing?'

_Crap, _Kira thought, panicking. _I need to get away from her...taichou is very inconsiderate, making me run in these darn heels._

'Gotta go', Kira said quickly, running again. Hinamori was about to say something, but tripped over one of the ropes and fell flat on her face, the luggage on top of her.

The five of them barreled through a shopping mall, earning several gasps at their odd appearance. Hitsugaya didn't care about Urahara anymore, and was using all his skills in gigai to avoid Aizen's grinning clutches.

Matsumoto and Gin were neck on neck. Grinning maliciously, Gin pointed to a store ahead. 'Look!' he shouted. 'Are those shoes on sale?'

Matsumoto's head snapped around and Gin stuck out his foot. She gasped and tripped, falling into a water fountain. She emerged, spluttering and gasping as Aizen and Hitsugaya shot past her.

'Gin', she growled. 'You are_ so _dead', she whipped a hand down her sundress and pulled out a purple ball of yarn from between her cleavage. Grinning and flicking soaking wet hair out of her eyes, she threw it with all her strength.

'Them losers ain't getting' to Kissy-kun if I have any say in-YARN!' Gin hissed and leapt up in the air to grab the said yarn. Matsumoto huffed and shoved her chest forward. He bounced off it and crashed through a pet store window.

'Free rare kitty on sale!' Matsumoto screamed at a bunch of kids as she ran past. They shrieked and bolted into the pet store, clamouring around Gin. His only visible body part in the mass of flailing limbs was an arm clutching the violet yarn.

Hitsugaya gasped as Aizen suddenly appeared in front of him and skidded to a stop, diving into a kid's playground. He landed on something soft and bouncy, and his eyes widened.

_WELCOME TO KID'S FUN FACTORY!_

Jumping castles, a huge playground consisting of several levels with brightly covered foam surfaces, twisting ladders and flying foxes, foam streamers, ball pits, safety trampolines, tunnels leading every which way, and more. Hitsugaya's eyes watered at the colours and shrieks of excited children.

A large sign was on one of the walls, showing a brown bear with small black eyes and a thumbs up.

_Beware of Pedobears, kids! If something happens, just say _no!

'Shirou-kuuun', Aizen crooned from somewhere behind him. He jumped about a foot in the air, shrieking, and shot off into the "factory", shoving other kids out of his way. He climbed up a floppy ladder onto the next level and crawled through a tunnel, which spiraled upwards to another level.

'Damn these tunnels are tight', Aizen grunted, struggling through a square hole. It was seven levels of netting with a small space for moving and another hole leading to the one above. 'But obstructions of this level cannot stop my desire!'

Hitsugaya crouched in a fake space ship, hiding in the corner. He was panting, and was furious. He had seen Matsumoto and Gin neck on neck, and hoped she would get to Urahara before Gin. In the meantime, he was too hide.

'Pedobear', Hitsugaya muttered. 'Perfect name for Freakin' Aizen'

He ran his hand through his hair, freezing.

Captain Grumpy Pants was missing.

'Shit! _Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!'_

He slammed his fist into the yellow wall, and the ground beneath him opened up. Before he could gasp, he was suddenly covered by rainbow balls. He emerged, spitting out a plastic red one. A little girl in front of him was staring at him with wide blue eyes.

'What?' he snapped, wading through the balls. The girl pouted.

'You said a naughty word!' she screeched. 'YOU SAID A NAUGHTY WORD, WHITEY!'

'Shut up', Hitsugaya hissed. 'I just lost my baby and I'm being chased after by a paedophile. If you value your life, kid, you'll run too'

'Found you, Shirou-kun', Hitsugaya shrieked again as Aizen appeared crab-like on the mesh netting around the ball pit.

He scrambled out the small flap leading out of the balls and ran for his life. An idea hit him suddenly, and he smirked, taking a deep breath.

'Pedobear in the ball pit!' he screamed, still running. 'Pedobear in the ball pit!'

'What's a –oof!', Aizen got rugby tackled by several employees dressed like clowns. Hitsugaya smirked and gave a small salute. He bumped into something hard and fell back heavily. A hand caught his wrist before he hit the ground.

'Wha-?'

'You used a bad word', a female voice tutted. 'You deserve a time out, don't you?'

'A time out?' Hitsugaya snapped. 'What the hell is that?'

The lady tutted again. 'Definitely a time out for you, kid'

'I am not a kid!' Hitsugaya shouted, straining against the woman's tight grip as she pulled him towards a fenced area with a couple of gloomy looking children. 'Wha-? No, I have to find Captain Grumpy Pa- I mean, Shiro. Let me go, dammit!'

The gate was locked behind him, and he whirled back around with indignant fury, glaring icy daggers at the woman's retreating back.

'I don't believe this', he growled, reaching into his back pocket for his Soul Candy. He froze, panicking when he couldn't feel it anywhere. 'Wha-_Aizen_', he hissed the name like a curse, remembering when Aizen had first fallen on him.

'He must've taken it out of my damn back pocket!' he whispered. '_I do not freaking believe this'_

Meanwhile, Kira had stopped running due to the several blisters on his feet. His yellow heels were clutched in his hands, and he was limping, mumbling darkly.

He was almost at the Urahara Shoten. He passed a battered pink door, not giving it a second look. A second later, hands shot out and dragged him into the shop, slamming the door shut behind him.

'What the hell?' he shouted, wrenching himself free. His jaw dropped.

There were men dressed in tight leather and dog collars and police outfits, complete with makeup and wigs, and women with tattoos, short skirts and slicked back hair.

'Don't tell me…' Kira whispered.

'Are you a friend of Sixty Nine?' a beefy woman asked gruffly. Kira blinked.

'S-S-Sixty N-Nine?' Kira choked out.

'Yeah, Hisagi, that's the name', another man grunted, eyeing Kira. 'He said he had a cute blonde friend from Germany', he leaned towards Kira. 'I _like_ Germans'

Kira shrieked, jumping back. 'S-s-s-sorry, b-but you have the wrong person!'

The woman shook her red head. 'I don't think so, honey. Weird blonde hair, green eyes and a depressed look. He said you'd be in costume as well!'

A face swam through his mind. 'N-No way…H-Hisagi-san?'

_Thump._

'He fainted…'

'I dibs first!'

* * *

Urahara surveyed the police officer, shady eyes partly covered by his fan, which couldn't completely hide the evidence of hard laughter.

'Where…where are they now?' he asked politely. The officer scanned the list.

'The kid you described is in detention in Kid's Fun Factory, that blonde dude fainted in a gay bar and has been hospitalized, the guy with glasses has been arrested, the purple-haired guy has been taken to a pound, the orange-haired chick is in jail for public disturbance, and that brown-haired maid has been dragged into Silver Cleaning Services'

Urahara sighed. 'I will collect them then. Just out of curiousity, why did you contact me?'

The officer shrugged. 'All of 'em, claimed to know you'

'Of course, of course', Urahara waved his fan airily. 'I will pay their bail I guess'

The officer nodded. 'They've just been brought in. They're in the holding cells'

* * *

**_Sorry for any typos, but mi BETA readers were to fuckin lazy, so i had no help =.= if u have a problem about the paedopheliea , too bad cuz i alredy warned you. And it's rated T for a reason people ^^_**

**_i will say sorry for not updating in sooo long! i have just published two d gray man fanfics! ^^ Beware of the Fangs is frickin hilarious XD if i say so miself..._**

**_till next time, _**

**_-Lazy Llama- please review! anonymous ones now allowed! XD_**


	9. Day 5: BREAKDOWNS and Singing Shinigami

**_Phew, finally posted up! :D had some converting problem with the docs, so i couldnt get this up for 3 days ==_**

**_WARNING: Epic randomness ahead X3_**

* * *

Urahara surveyed the odd group of six sitting clam-like in front of him, attempting to hide his smile behind his fan.

Hitsugaya was sitting as far away from Aizen as he could, huddled near his vice-captain, who was wearing a potato sack instead of the breezy sundress she had before. Aizen was smiling in a creepy way, eyes glazed over. As a condition of his release, the police had jabbed him with a strong disorientating drug. Gin was sniffling, covered in tiny scratches and bruises. Kira sat beside him, stony-faced and white. Hinamori sat on the floor, tracing circles on the ground with her gloved finger.

'So…', Urahara said cheerily. 'Anyone mind telling me what happened?'

'We already told you!', Hitsugaya said angrily. Urahara snapped his fan shut, revealing the wide grin behind it.

'It's a hard lot to take in', he said airily, waving the closed fan.

'You…', Hitsugaya growled. Matsumoto jabbed him in the head with her elbow. He gave a barely audible wince and scowled, crossing his arms.

'That stupid fox over there chucked me into a water fountain', Matsumoto grumbled, touching the rough fabric of the sack. 'My dress shrunk and I got arrested for public disturbance, although I didn't see anyone complaining', she smiled. 'Anyway, all they had at the station was this potato sack'

'Gay bar…', Kira mumbled. 'I feel violated'

'He…hehe.._hee'_, Aizen giggled.

'I-', Hinamori began.

'-Them kids got real sharp claws!', Gin pouted. 'I'm covered in li'l scratches n' all that'

'I got chased by that _pedobear'_, Hitsugaya jerked his head over to the drugged out Aizen, '....and I lost Mr. Grumpy Pants'

Matsumoto let out a huge gasp which made everybody jump. 'Taichou! How could you lose him?! And since when did you call him Mr. Grumpy Pants?'

Hitsugaya smacked a palm on his head. 'Crap! I meant Shirou!'

'Too late!', Matsumoto grinned, hugging her bright red captain. She abruptly let him go. 'I can't believe you lost him!', she screeched.

'…By Captain Grumpy Pants, do you mean that smiling flour sack?', Urahara asked politely.

Hitsugaya frowned. 'Yeah. Why, did you find it?'

Urahara cleared his throat. 'All in good time. Now, does anyone care to explain _why_ six captain-class shinigami have come to the Real World in search of little old me?'

The group remained silent, shooting small glances at one another. Then they all burst into conversation at once.

'We came here because w-'

'-_We_ got here firs-'

'-Yamamoto sucks-'

'-We have to babysit-'

'-Flour sacks! Honestl-!'

'-They won't shut up!-'

'-So much poop…'

'We need your help!', they all finally burst out. Gin sniffled and Hitsugaya let out a dry sob. Matsumoto let out a peal of mad laughter, clapping a hand over her mouth.

Urahara blinked, surveying them with shrewd green eyes. 'Did I hear this right? The big bad wolves of the Gotei 13 need help controlling those cute little flour sacks?'

They reluctantly nodded. Urahara smiled. The smile widened into a grin. Then he burst out laughing, rolling around, ignoring the several pairs of narrowed eyes aimed in his direction.

One minute passed. Two minutes. Three, four minutes.

'Are you done yet?', Hitsugaya snapped. Urahara giggled before sitting upright, wiping tears from his eyes.

'Ah, this has to be one of the funniest scenarios I have ever seen in my very long life', he said happily. 'Alright. I'll help you', his smile remained, and he snapped the fan open once more.

'Really?', Gin and Kira sighed in relief.

'You can stay here for the night…However, I have paid a rather hefty amount for bailing you lot out', his eyes flashed, 'so if you want my help, there are a few conditions that must be applied…'

----

'T-Those bastards…', Renji whispered, placing the small pile of papers he was holding onto the armrest of a chair. 'They left to the Real World to see Urahara Kisuke, didn't they, taichou?'

'You are smarter than you look, Abarai', Byakuya drawled in response, grey eyes narrowed. 'My first thought is to dob them in, but we have no evidence of their blatant cheating.'

'Hey, Bucky!', Ichigo giggled. Byakuya's eye gave a near invisible twitch as his eyes slid over to Ichigo. Its hair was now long and black, styled like Byakuya's.

'If you want to keep that spectacular and unique hairstyle, I suggest you stop talking', Byakuya said slowly. 'Do you want that hair to end up like Abarai's, all frizzy and in need of a desperate cut?'

Renji felt another bit of his soul wither and die. He stared at his captain indignantly.

'You should know, taichou, that this hair is all the rage in the Real World', Renji sniffed. 'The ladies love it', he ran a hand through the spiky ponytail.

Byakuya raised an elegant eyebrow. 'By ladies, I assume you mean women like that Kurosaki Ichigo, who have a fetish for flaming mops?'

Renji's jaw dropped. 'T-that's too mean…'

'Perhaps, but deep down, you know it's true', Byakuya said smugly. 'If you want real hair, you should try something smooth and elegant…like mine', he flicked a loose strand back, where it slid back to place.

Renji let out a half-whimper, half-sob. Oh, how he wanted to cut off all that beautiful hair…

'But you won't', Byakuya said quietly, making Renji jump about a foot in the air. 'Because if I ever see that baboon-sword near my obsidian locks again, I will shove Senbonzakura deep enough in your backside to give you a red one like a…_baboon_'

Renji fell back with a resounding crash that shook the whole office. Byakuya shuffled some papers on his desk, satisfied, before tying them with a black ribbon.

Ichigo eyed the thick paper pile balanced on the armrest of her chair and smiled. She nudged her toddler-safe cup of water onto one end.

'Itsygo bewwyfwop!', she shrieked, jumping on the opposite side. The papers toppled off, sending the cup flying through the air.

Byakuya's eyes snapped up, widening as they saw the diagonal trail of water aimed at him.

He dove off his chair as the cup hit the wall, sending splatter of its contents everywhere. Byakuya shrieked and dove under his desk, hands over his head. The assorted items on his desk tipped over as his head hit the underside of it.

The doors to the office slid open, revealing a whistling Ukitake Jyuushirou. He stopped abruptly, blinking at the odd scene.

Renji was sprawled awkwardly, still unconscious, mumbling something under his breath. The office was a mess. The 6th squad's flour sack was nowhere to be seen. Byakuya's feet were poking out the side of the desk.

'Byakuya!', Ukitake shouted, rushing over to him. 'What happened to you? Who did this?', he bent down, freezing when he saw Byakuya.

He was curled up in the fetal position, hands wrapped around his head, eyes wide.

'B-Byakuya?', he said weakly, 'What happ-?'

'I hate her', he whispered. 'She's ruining my life.'

Ukitake understood immediately, and patted Byakuya on the back.

'Woman trouble, I see?', Ukitake sighed. 'I understand what you're going through…'

'You have no idea', Byakuya whispered. 'She keeps me up all night…'

Ukitake smiled. 'Wow…and you're complaining about that?'

'And she's never satisfied', Byakuya continued, sitting up with a glazed look in his eyes. Ukitake's widened.

'W-Woah…', he said weakly. 'Please don't go into details…'

Byakuya's eyes slid over to Ukitake, wide and wild. 'What more can I give her? She's destroyed my house, and she forces me to satisfy her everywhere, all the time.'

Ukitake coughed, embarrassed. '…Wow.'

'I'm just a man', Byakuya pleaded. 'What more can I do? Would males be less fussy?'

Ukitake paled. He looked around at the unconscious and suggestive Renji and the messy office. 'Alright, you need a drink.'

'Did she get anything in my hair?', Byakuya asked urgently. 'I hope not. You have no idea what she puts in there…what she _tries_ to put in there…I wish she was male. I prefer men.'

'I…I have to go now', Ukitake said awkwardly, rising up once more. 'Instead of a drink, maybe you should seek help, Byakuya', as he turned to leave, there was a shriek and Ukitake yelped as something that smelt like baby wrapped around his face, obscuring his vision. He flailed around, trying to pull it off as it giggled madly.

'Talking about your strange homosexual fetishes and practicing them in your office is no way to raise a child!', Ukitake screamed, ripping off the squirming sack of snarling flour. He dropped it and ran out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

He took a deep breath, trying to control his light-headedness. He jumped as something tore through the thin sliding door. Ukitake's jaw dropped.

One of Byakuya's shining silver kenseikan clattered onto the ground. A second later, his reiatsu flared dangerously, making the door behind Ukitake rattle.

'Oh shi-!'

----

Yachiru hummed happily as she shoved one mitarashii dango after another, eyes glued to the small television in front of her. Sugar was sitting next to her, smiling.

A little figure of a blonde man with a green and white hat popped up on the screen. Yachiru frowned.

'What the hell is this?', she pouted, preparing to change the channel.

'Welcome to Kisuke-kun's Crazy Foods Musical!'

'Heh, it's the druggie!', Yachiru chirped, dropping the remote.

A bean sprout waddled onto the screen. A small tuft of white hair poked out of the face hole, along with a pair of narrowed teal eyes. The face was bright red, contrasting with the green plume sticking out of its head.

Yachiru's maroon eyes widened. 'That's Captain Cotton Ball!', she laughed, kicking her feet up in the air.

'I'm a bean sprout!', Hitsugaya Toushirou sang, voice cracking with embarrassment, doing an odd little jump. 'I go well with your…smoked trout?', he squinted at something beside the of the camera. 'How the hell am I supposed to read _that_?', he huffed.

A beetroot with orange hair hobbled beside the bean sprout.

'I'm a beetroot!', Matsumoto Rangiku sang, blowing a leaf out of her eyes. 'I make you go…patoot!'

'Ken-chan!', Yachiru shrieked. 'Get over here! Quickly!'

An onion ambled beside the bean sprout and the beetroot.

'I'm an onion!', Gin yelped. 'I help get rid of bunions!'

Zaraki appeared beside Yachiru, squinting at the screen. Soifon and Kyouraku followed behind.

'Is that…Ichimaru?', Soifon exclaimed, staring at the TV screen.

A half-peeled banana shuffled beside the bean sprout, the beetroot and the onion.

'I'm a banana!', Kira half-sang, half-whimpered. 'I like Yuu Kanda!', Kira frowned. 'Wait, isn't he from d gray man?', he hissed to someone near the camera.

'…Wait, what?', Kyouraku said, shaking his head.

'Just say your lines, Kira-kun', a voice whispered back. Kira sighed.

A grape hovered beside the bean sprout, the beetroot, the onion and the half-peeled banana.

'Four-eyes?', Yachiru shrieked, cackling.

'I'm a grape!', Aizen slurred, winking suggestively. 'And I like to rape…little children.'

'We've always known that', Soifon scoffed.

'Aizen!', Urahara hissed, shaking the dodgy camera. '_Stick to your damn lines!'_

'I'm a grape', Aizen rephrased dully. 'I like sticky tape!'

An odd pile of what appeared to be poo stumbled besides the bean sprout, the beetroot, the onion, the half-peeled banana and the grape.

'I'm compost', Momo squeaked. 'I need to…get lost?'

'Of course you do', Zaraki, Soifon and Kyouraku snorted at the screen, Yachiru throwing a piece of dango at it. The assorted vegetables and fruits from the Gotei 13 started dancing in a very uncoordinated fashion.

Urahara popped up in front of the screen, wearing a cape and mask. 'Don't go yet! Coming up next is Jerry Springer, who is temporarily visiting Japan! These little vegetables will be his guests!'

'What the hell is this crap?', Soifon growled.

'I dunno, but wait till everyone else sees it!', Yachiru giggled. Something pink caught her eye. She turned around, blinking.

A giant cloud was hovering above 6th Squad's barracks and main office, in the shape of…

'Hey, isn't that Byakuya's Wakame Taishi?', Kyouraku exclaimed, squinting at the mushroom cloud.

----

'I cannot believe you made us do that!', Hitsugaya fumed, leaving his crumpled suit behind him.

'I hafta agree with Cap'n Grumpy Pants', Gin sniffed. 'Ya jus' made a fool o' us…on national television!'

Urahara dismissed their complaints with a wave of his fan. 'I hacked into the NJK Network to let me put that up. Once they see my amazing talent, they'll be pouring money and fame all over me!', he purred happily.

'More like lawsuits and bills', Kira muttered. 'You'd better hope that no-one in Seireitei saw us…'

'Will you help now?', Matsumoto asked.

Urahara smiled. 'You have one more task to complete…'

The five of them groaned. Aizen giggled.

----

'That had to be one of the weirdest things I've ever seen in my life…'

'Did you take pictures?'

'Yes. They will be in next week's issue of the Shinigami Women's Association's magazine.'

By now, along with Zaraki, Yachiru, Kyouraku and Soifon, there was also the rest of the Gotei 13, along with the newly revived Byakuya and Renji and their sacks of flour. Food and treats were being passed around as they waited for the follow up promised by Kisuke-kun's Crazy Foods Musical.

A theme song popped up on the screen, and they all fell silent.

'And now!', a strong American accent announced. 'Here is your magnificent host, _Jerry!_'

People on screen wolf-whistled and cheered as a smiling man came on stage, waving to the audience.

'Hello, everyone!', he beamed. 'And welcome to this humble show of mine. Today we have six very special guests with hidden secrets!'

* * *

**_Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! _**

**_Voila, chapter nine DONE! Sorry bout the crappy rhyming, but i hate poetry and said the first things that came to my head XD_**

**_Till next time, _**

**_-Lazy Llama-LOL d gray man reference! XD ownede by Hoshino Katsura guys, not me...unfortunately._**


	10. Chapter 10

_Hey guys, this notice is going on all of my stores._

_Firstly, i'm sorry for not updating anything in months. Lots of stuff has been happening, and i'm losing my creative flow. Also, like i've said before, i've uploaded too many unfinished stories and i'm feeling the pressure =\ Anyhoo, i'm gonna delete most of the stories on this account and keep only about 3. The rest may or may not be rewritten/retitled, depending on my mood._

_There's a poll up in my profile. vote for up to 3 stories, and the ones with the most votes won't get deleted, but may be rewritten/retitled. _

_Thanks for sticking with me this far!_

sincerely,

Llama.


End file.
